


Breathe Again

by BambooBat



Series: 100 Theme One-shot Challenge [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Abandonment, Affection, Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Band Fic, Child Abandonment, Couch Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drinking, Drinking Games, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, Lesbian Character, Love Triangles, Marijuana, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Music, Musicians, Oblivious, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Character, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Female/Female Relationships, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychiatric Service Dog, Reader-Insert, Real Life, Requited Unrequited Love, Romance, Self-Indulgent, Service Animals, Service Dogs, Singing, Sleepy Cuddles, Smoking, driving under the influence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22046956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BambooBat/pseuds/BambooBat
Summary: It started with a dare that got uploaded to your band's YouTube channel to celebrate another milestone in subscribers.
Relationships: Ashton Irwin/You, Luke Hemmings/You, Michael Clifford/Crystal Leigh, Sierra Deaton/Luke Hemmings
Series: 100 Theme One-shot Challenge [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565344
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Breathe Again

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally for a different prompt, but I realized that it was getting to be way too long and I'd have to cut it in half anyway. So now this is part one, with a different prompt that fits it. The original prompt will be for part two. 
> 
> This is #10 of 100. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this except the plot and any of those relevant details (original characters, band concept, song concept, etc). I definitely do not own the Reader (you), 5SOS, Sierra Deaton, or Crystal Leigh. I, sadly, also do not own Twitter or Instagram, LAX or O'Hare International, Big Mama's & Papa's Pizzeria, or anything else that looks familiar. _Easier_ belongs to 5SOS, and _Rewrite the Stars_ belongs to whoever wrote that for _The Greatest Showman_. 
> 
> I don't own Jaejoong (TVXQ/JYJ).
> 
> I do not intend to offend anyone. My portrayal of PTSD is based solely on internet research and a tiny bit of personal experience. 
> 
> I have no idea if the area codes are even the correct ones for their numbers.

_The camera turns on. You are sitting on a stool, looking at someone out of frame. There is a sheepish smile on your face, your hands are clasped between your knees and you keep shifting around slightly. You are clearly nervous._

_“It’s on,” says a male voice presumably from behind the camera._

_You glance straight at it, before looking back up at the speaker. “It is?”_

_“Yep.”_

_You huff, but turn your shy smile to the camera. “So… This is the result of a dare. It’s really dumb, but that is Bonwha’s fault.”_

_There’s a disembodied chuckle. “Stop stalling, [Nickname].”_

_Rolling your eyes, you let out a heavy sigh. “I’m supposed to sing a song like I’m someone else.”_

_“You gonna explain?” Bonwha prompts._

_You groan softly. “I’m supposed to sound as much like the original singer as possible.”_

_“And?”_

_“And—” You glare at him. “—I have to pick a male artist to mimic.”_

_There is a pause while you look to the left at something, before frowning softly at Bonwha._

_“Is this supposed to be_ a cappella _?” you ask incredulously. At what must be a nod, you whine softly. “Come on. At least play the instrumental version or something.”_

_“Fine. You can listen on your headphones.”_

_The smile you give is radiant. “Awesome!”_

_There is a bit of fumbling from behind that the mic picks up. You hop off the stool and disappear from view. When you return, you have headphones on that cover your ears. They are plugged into your phone, which you are swiping with your thumb as you look for something, presumably the instrumental version of the song._

_“Ready?” Bonwha’s voice is light and teasing._

_You nod, situating yourself back on the stool. With a deep breath, you tap the screen of your phone. Your eyes flutter shut._

_Your head begins to nod as your knee bounces slightly with the music. With another deep breath, you open your mouth._

“Is it easier to stay, is it easier to go? I don’t wanna know, oh _~”_

_Your voice is clear and sounds remarkably like the lead singer from 5SOS, Luke Hemmings. The song title and credit disclaimer appear on the lower corner of the screen._

_As you go through the whole song, it is obvious that you have talent. You hit every note Luke does, low and high, with ease. You even make your voice do the same vibrato as his does during the official recording._

_At some point, you start rocking slightly to the beat of the music only you can hear._

_“_ I love you so much that I hate you – Right now it’s so hard to blame you – ‘Cause you’re so damn beautiful!”

_Your eyes open as you finish the last word. There is a spark lighting them up. It is clear that despite your protests, you enjoy singing that song. The grin on your face is cheeky as you pull off the headphones._

_“That was too easy,” Bonwha grumbles. “Next time, I’ll dare you to sing something harder. Like… Nightwish.”_

_You roll your eyes, before looking into the lens. “Thanks for helping us get to 500k subscribers, guys. We love you all!_ Annyeong _!”_

_You are sliding off the stool when the video ends._

* * *

The video goes viral in hours, mostly because fans of both bands come together to spread it around. The comments are overwhelmingly positive

 _[Name] is sooo talented! Wow!_

_I thought I clicked on the wrong video for a sec_

_Uh, why is Luke’s voice coming out of her mouth?_

_@5SOS Check this out!_

_OMG can we get them to do a duet??_

_[Name] should cover more songs!_

_Anyone else want to hear [Name] cover Nightwish?_

_@ashtonirwin! @lukehemmings! @calumhood! @michaelclifford *0*_

_@Luke5SOS @Ashton5SOS @Calum5SOS Did you see this yet?!_

_Wanderlost is amazing! [Name]’s voice gives me goosebumps!_

_How is she not lip-syncing???_ _@Wanderlost @5SOS please collab!!_

It does not take long for the video to make its way onto the Twitter feed as the hashtags multiply, fans almost spamming with Retweets in an effort to get the band to notice. They are persistent and eventually it pays off.

@Ashton5SOS: Luke, when did you clone yourself into a girl? And shrink like over a foot! :0

In all seriousness, Ashton is very impressed by you. If he had not been watching he might have thought it was Luke doing an _a cappella_ version. For a moment, he is suspicious about the authenticity, but upon closer inspection – and a quick scan of other videos on the Wanderlost YouTube channel – he is convinced. Even when not mimicking Luke, your vocal talent is pretty amazing. Enough so that he doesn’t understand why he hasn’t heard of the band before now.

But a quick Google search reveals that your success is mostly due to a large following in Asia.

@Luke5SOS: That’s not me! I think? :X

@Ashton: True, you just aren’t that cute

@Luke5SOS: T_T

The guys all pile onto a couch together for an interview later that day. No one is surprised when the video is brought up. Since Calum and Michael haven’t had a chance to watch it, the host of the interview goes ahead and plays it for them.

The third or fourth time everyone glances over at him, Luke raises his hands in surrender. “It’s not me, I swear.”

When the video ends, the interviewer asks: “What are your thoughts on the cover?”

“Is it still a cover if it sounds like the original?” Michael wonders.

“Except better,” Ashton says flatly. Even Luke laughs.

“Uh, well, I’m definitely flattered,” the lead singer admits with a small grin. “She certainly did an amazing job.”

The others nod in agreement. Once they got over the shock of hearing you sound like a clone of Luke, it had been enjoyable. You clearly love to sing, and that passion shows through even in this video.

“She’s way cuter than you, too,” Ashton states, looking thoughtful. “Think she would take your place?”

Luke pretends to pout as the others laugh. He then sighs, looking dejected.

“I can’t compete. She _is_ prettier than I am,” he admits almost like he is defeated by the realization.

The interview moves on from there. It is not until later when they are all just chilling in one of the hotel rooms, that anyone mentions it again.

Luke has been messaging Sierra on his phone. She saw the video as well, but unlike anyone else, she is irritated by it. He does not really understand, because neither he nor any of the other guys are offended. In fact, he cannot help grinning a little when he thinks of it. Maybe it was weird at first, but that is understandable. It is pretty unusual to hear your voice coming out of someone else without the use of ventriloquism. _Can someone even sing when throwing their voice?_

A tiny part of his brain points out that his girlfriend sounds jealous. That is pretty ridiculous though. She knows she is also a great singer, even if her career has stalled a little after her solo single did not do so well. He wonders if your overall success is what is making her insecure. It’s a little irritating, actually, but there is no way he will say that or anything.

Needing a break – or distraction – from the impending argument that he cannot seem to prevent, he looks at the group to see what the others are doing. He has to assume it is better than beating a dead horse like it feels he is doing in the chat with his girlfriend.

Michael is also messaging on his phone, probably Crystal. Calum and Ashton are watching something on Cal’s phone. They are sharing earphones, heads close like they’ve been tethered together. Curiosity sparked by the expressions crossing their faces, he gets up to wander over. As he gets closer he can hear unfamiliar music leaking from the earphones. It sounds pretty good, actually.

He probably should not be as surprised as he is to see you basically riffing on what looks like _—_

“Is that an electric violin?” he wonders, impressed.

“Yep.” Cal sounds as impressed as Luke feels.

They watch you dance around the stage, playing your violin, and singing. From what he can hear, Luke finds your voice almost soothing. A glance at Ashton shows that the drummer is staring at you enraptured. Carefully, Luke nudges Cal until he looks at him, then nods over to the other. The amused grin Calum sends him makes his own grow wider.

“Ash?”

The drummer doesn’t even look. “What?”

“You’re drooling, mate,” Calum teases.

With a jolt, ears starting to turn red, he glares at his friends. “I am not. I just think the band is really good.”

Luke smirks. “The band? Or [Name]?”

Ashton rolls his eyes, but it does nothing to hide the flush on his cheeks. “The band, the rest of them are pretty good, not just her.”

Calum pulls the earphone jack from his phone earning a protest from the oldest member. He snorts softly, before pressing Play to start the video back up.

Your voice was impressive before when you were just imitating him. But singing songs that are specifically catered to you really shows off your impressive range. It takes him a moment to realize he cannot understand the lyrics.

“What language is that?” He did not think he could be more impressed. Not a lot of artists will record themselves singing a translated song, let alone make a video for it.

“Korean,” Ashton answers. “She and the one guy are fluent.”

Calum glances up at Luke. “They have an even mixture, but this is one that was written in Korean to start with.”

It just boggles Luke’s mind that Wanderlost is not more popular, although that will probably change soon now that you have been tied to them. An idea is beginning to form in the back of his head.

When the song ends, you are left smiling an even bigger version of the one at the end of the _Easier_ cover. His stomach flip-flops, but he ignores it.

Calum scrolls down a little before clicking on a different song. It is also one of yours, but it doesn’t have the same visuals as the energetic song he just heard.

“This one is a little different,” Ashton mutters, ignoring the looks his friends give him.

It is quickly apparent that this is a sad song once the notes in minor key come sliding out of your instrument. It is the same blue-purple electric violin as in the previous video. You aren’t exuding the same vibe as before; in fact, you look sad and resigned.

Ashton’s chest feels tight as you begin to sing about your heartbreak. Just like the first time he viewed this song, he feels goosebumps on his arms. As your eyes fill with tears, he is torn between wanting to give you a hug, and punching whatever asshole made you write this song about him. He doesn’t even realize that his hands have tightened into fists, knuckles turning white.

Even as a couple tears leak free and your voice thickens with the effort to keep singing through the crying, it is clear and warm. Ashton kind of wants to listen to it all day.

It is nice to look at you, too.

Calum and Luke have been quietly listening, impressed but not quite as affected as their friend. As the last note fades from your voice, Luke straightens up a little to stretch with a thoughtful noise.

“Maybe we should reach out to them,” he suggests blandly.

Calum glances at him, amused, before his gaze drifts back to where Ashton is clearly lost in thought. He has not even noticed that Calum has moved his phone away and turned off the screen. Both of the younger guys are openly staring at him, silently waiting to see how long it will take him to realize they are watching him.

“That isn’t a bad idea,” comes Michael’s quiet response.

They honestly thought he hadn’t been listening. He is just so quiet sometimes, especially whenever he is talking to his fiancé.

“Oh?” Calum looks curious. “Why’s that?”

He only shrugs, glancing at them over his phone. “Crystal suggested it. She says that it looks like they are pretty active on Instagram, and at least [Name] and Bonwha have Twitter accounts.”

Ashton has his phone out in seconds, pulling up the first social media platform. He realizes belatedly that he has no idea what your username is, though, and sheepishly looks up at the amused expressions on his friends’ faces. Michael takes pity on him and sends a link to your accounts via messenger; technically it goes to all three of them, as it is the group chat, but still. With a grateful smile, Ashton taps the link.

He barely waits for the app to load before he is tapping to follow you. Your account is public, which is nice. It just feels polite to let you know. Right? _You are fucking pathetic, Irwin._

As he scrolls through, he is not surprised to see the other two are also looking, although Cal and Luke check out Bonwha’s account as well. His seems to mostly revolve around food, electronics, and music. Yours, on the other hand, is as varied as your vocal range. There’s nice photos, silly selfies, glimpses where someone else caught you in a candid moment that you liked enough to share. It is like getting a peek into your life, which is probably the point.

It is actually Luke who finds it, and begins laughing. He shows Calum, who grins like he just heard that Christmas is early.

“Yeah, we should probably reach out to them,” Calum states, smirking a little.

Ashton tries to see what they are looking at, but they refuse to show him. From his place on the couch, Michael smiles. He knows exactly what they found on your page. Huffing a little because he does not like being left out, Ashton starts to scroll even faster.

He freezes when he finds it.

The picture itself is not particularly special. You are lying on what looks like a bed, eyes closed. A notebook with handwritten sheet music in it lies next to you, and you have your violin tucked under your chin. It is obvious someone managed to capture you when you are composing. You look so serene. Its’ beautiful.

But what really draws his attention is the old 5SOS t-shirt you are wearing.

Suddenly, his whole body feels like it is on fire. You are a fan – probably of Luke, but still! The huge grin that about splits his face is interrupted by a notification. Someone has sent him a DM.

@IndigoFiddle: Hey! Thanks for the follow, you made my day! ^-^

Luke, seeing the way Ashton’s face freezes, leans over Calum to see whatever is on Ashton’s phone. It takes him a second, before he recognizes the user handle.

“Oo~” he teases, voice a singsong, like a little kid who is about to tattle. “[Name] messaged you.”

“Shut up,” Ashton grumbles, but he cannot get rid of the huge smile he has.

The guys are never going to let him live this down. Ugh. But what is he supposed to say now? It is like all the years of flirting with girls have been erased from his brain. It is entirely blank.

“Are you going to respond, Ash?” Michael is smirking.

Calum hums softly. “Do you think she will message me, too, if I follow her?”

The irritation that immediately bubbles up in his chest is easy to ignore, but he has to direct his irritated glare elsewhere.

“Let’s see.” Luke pulls out his own phone, where he taps and swipes a couple of times.

Ashton is not sure why his heart now seems like it has dropped into his stomach. It is a weird time to get heartburn. However, it does not distract form the dismay he feels. As much as he loves the guys, he knows that you will go for Luke over him. Most girls do, and you clearly already like him enough to mimic his voice for songs. (Nevermind the fact Ashton doesn’t really sing enough for you to copy.) Usually he cannot bring himself to care, but for whatever reason he finds himself really resenting how charming and wanted Luke is. It is hardly fair. Besides, he’s already got a girlfriend.

There’s a ding on Luke’s phone, which only makes him feel even grumpier. Still, his shoulders slump a little in resignation.

@IndigoFiddle: ^o^ Thanks for the follow!

Well, at least Luke following you did not make your day. That pacifies Ashton a little, and he is fully aware that this makes him pretty pathetic. It is a good thing the only ones aware of this are the guys.

“Are you going to respond to her, or should I?” Luke is smirking, clearly teasing the oldest.

Ashton scowls, but he doesn’t aim it at anyone. “And say what?”

“‘Would you be interested in collaborating?’ Isn’t that hard,” Michael points out.

The glare in his direction doesn’t faze him. Feeling like an idiot, Ashton taps open the DM. Now how does he word this so he doesn’t sound creepy?

@Ashton5SOS: Hey, you made our day so it’s nice to return the favor, yeah? Also we were wondering if you would be interested in a collab

His heart is pounding. Why is he being like this? It reminds him of when he was in high school and wanted to ask a girl out. It is super fucking annoying.

So it doesn’t look like he is anxious, he returns to scrolling through Instagram. As long as he manages to act normal, the guys have nothing to make fun of.

It eventually registers that he has been intently staring at your photos. He cringes a little. The amusement is practically radiating off his friends. It is actually rather impressive they have not started teasing him more.

@IndigoFiddle: oOo Are you serious?!

@IndigoFiddle: That would be awesome!

The giant grin on his face has Luke and Calum leaning over so they can see the messages from you, too. Considering you are enough of a fan to own one of their band shirts, your excitement is even more adorable.

@Ashton5SOS: Serious as a koala about its eucalyptus

Luke snorts. “Really?”

“Shut it,” Ashton grumbles. It feels like his ears are on fire.

@IndigoFiddle: That’s the best response to that ever XD

“Oh, no,” Calum whispers in horror. “She actually thinks Ash is funny.”

“We’re doomed,” Luke agrees solemnly.

@IndigoFiddle: So… Do we exchange numbers? Or start a group chat? I’ve never collabed before.

It feels like you are going to explode like a gory confetti bomb.

For the seventeenth time, you pinch yourself on the leg. _Ow!_ So it is safe to assume you aren’t dreaming. Today just doesn’t seem real. After uploading that video at like 3AM, you crashed and slept through the ensuing chaos. You woke up to messages from Emily and Matt, three voicemails from Bonwha, and a seemingly infinite number of notifications from across the social media spectrum.

It is insane. Completely crazy.

Then, as you are trying to come to terms with the chaos, you had gotten a notification saying Ashton Irwin is following you. Heart pounding, you tapped out a short DM and sent it before you could chicken out. Moments later, Luke Hemmings is following you, too.

 _Oh my God!_ Fangirlish glee surges in you. Half of your favorite band is now following you on Instagram. Does this mean they saw that video?!

That is clearly the case when moments later Ashton is asking for your bands to work together on a song. You let out an unearthly shriek, much to the dismay of your dog, who leaps up in alarm, ears erect. Moments later, the lean form of your roommate-bandmate comes sprinting and sliding into your room.

“What the hell, [Name]?!” Bonwha demands, glaring at you.

You cannot answer, so you just shove your phone into his hand as you do a victory dance around the room. Bonwha seems to share a look with your dog, before finally looking down at the screen. A quick scan has him grinning, although nowhere nearly as excited as you.

“This is awesome,” he declares, holding your phone back out to you.

You grab it before flopping onto your bed. “I know!”

“How are you going to prevent yourself from fangirling at them?” he asks, smirking a little.

Your face feels warm already at just the thought of meeting them. “Shut up,” you grumble, pouting a little. “I’ve met famous people before.”

Bonwha rolls his eyes. “You don’t have any of their merchandise all over your room.”

You stick your tongue out at him, but glance around. A few years ago that might have been accurate – along with One Direction – but now your room is a little less embarrassing. Granted, you still have a ridiculous amount of posters on one wall, but still. Most of them are signed, including the 5SOS one.

“It isn’t like they are going to come in my room,” you finally respond, face feeling hotter as the blush spreads.

Not that you would _mind_ , or anything.

Bonwha watches you in amusement. “Are you going to be too awestruck to talk?”

“No!” You pause. “That only happened _once_. It’s hardly my fault.”

The bespectacled Asian rolls his eyes. “Sure, but you’ve been an even bigger fan of 5SOS for longer. Not to mention that major crush you have on _—_ ”

His voice is cut off by your hand slapping over his mouth. At his glare, you glance around suspiciously.

“Don’t say it! What if they somehow hear it?”

“I highly doubt they have hacked into your phone or laptop,” he says dryly.

You shrug with a huff. “Still. Maybe if you don’t say anything, I’ll be able to keep it under control.”

He sighs, not sure how successful that plan will be. Then, because he realizes you have not, he raises an eyebrow and peers over his black frame glasses.

“Are you going to see if he responded yet?”

Meeping softly, you open up the app again.

@Ashton5SOS: Numbers work. Here’s mine (310) XXX-XXXX

Your heart stops for a second. You have Ashton Irwin’s phone number!

Before you can respond, you get a notification for another DM.

@Luke5SOS: In case he forgets, here’s my number as well (310) XXX-XXXX

You don’t know whether to scream or throw up. Is this really your life right now?

Bonwha is about to ask you about the weird look on your face, but hears the ping of his own phone. He also has a DM from Luke including his and the others’ numbers. It makes him smile a little. At least someone recognizes that he is the brains behind the band. You are the raw talent.

You message them both a quick thanks, including your and Bonwha’s numbers. At most, you figure they might message you, but even then there is no guarantee that this collaboration will go any farther.

You are too wrapped up in self-doubts to notice the determination on Bonwha’s face. He, at least, fully intends to make this happen. There should not be any issues unless you are just completely incompatible with the guys. For some reason, he highly doubts that’s the case.

There is a chime from your phone along with two short buzzes of vibration. You look at the text message notification, before tapping to read it.

> Hey! This is Ashton

Your heart feels like it will burst out of your chest. Sure, you used to have a crush on Luke back when the band first took off – that lip-ring, okay? – but even then you liked Ashton, too. It is just really nice watching his arms swing those drumsticks. That silhouette of him pounding away in the _Teeth_ music video is extremely flattering. Especially to his ass.

Face feeling like the surface of the sun, you are glad telepathy isn’t a thing.

< Hi! This is [Name]

Now what? You glance up at Bonwha helplessly. He’s got his eyes glued to the screen of his own phone, fingers tapping away. Curiously, you roll over onto your stomach to watch him.

“What are you doing?” you wonder.

Bonwha does not even bother to look up. “Trying to set up a time when we can get together for a brainstorm session.”

You about choke on air. “What?!”

With a sigh, he glances up at you. “How else do you think a collab works?”

You shrug helplessly, feeling stupid. Apparently, you are still too lost in having a fangirl’s dream come true to consider the business aspect. It isn’t like you have unfinished music just sitting around for this purpose. In fact, you are fairly certain you have never written a duet before. At least it won’t be hard to transcribe it into Luke’s key.

“I dunno… The only person I’ve written music with is you,” you mutter, sounding shy.

The both of you know that if it wasn’t for Bonwha, you would probably be working some boring job. His pushing – he calls it encouragement – is what got you to post that first video on the band’s YouTube channel.

The grin he sends you is affectionate. “Just relax. It’s going to be a lot of fun.” That grin turns a little devious. “Why don’t you brainstorm with Ashton?”

Realizing you are texting the drummer, your face goes bright red as you look at your phone again.

> How are you doing?

< Great! I never thought that video would get so popular. Not entirely convinced I’m not dreaming

Why is your face hot when you aren’t even talking to him face-to-face? You really need to calm down before you actually meet them.

> You did a great job. Better than Luke did

Flattered, you smile like an idiot.

< I dunno about that… But thanks <3

Is this too flirty? Does such a thing exist? After all, he is technically single now, at least according to the internet. Maybe you should not assume they are accurate. _Shit._

> No worries, babe. You’re a lot cuter than he is, too

The noise that escapes you is unearthly and makes your dog flinch. He pads out of the room, nails clicking on the hardwood floor. _Oops_.

Bonwha is looking at you like you have spontaneously grown a second head. “The fuck was that for, [Nickname]?”

“Ashton called me cute!” You squeal a little.

Bonwha watches in amusement as you suddenly look horrified before pinching yourself pretty hard on the arm, only to wince at the pain. When you see him looking, you pout at him.

“I just needed to make sure I’m not dreaming.”

He rolls his eyes, not willing to burst your bubble about pinching not hurting in dreams, and glances back to his own conversation.

Rubbing a little on your arm, you look down at your phone again.

< O///O Thanks!

Do you compliment him back? If he is calling you cute, does that mean flirting is allowed? Even better, encouraged? This whole thing is going to be a death of you, it’s already easy to tell.

“Alright!” Bonwha turns the screen off and slips his phone into his pocket. “They have a couple more shows for the tour, and then they will be heading back to L.A. for a break before their UK-European tour.”

You blink at him. “Okay?” _I already know that…_

The two of you don’t live in Los Angeles, and the drive will take over a day. The gas alone is not too bad, but you all would need hotel rooms, as well as money for necessities. It might be possible, the band is doing really well in Asia right now. There has even been talks between Bonwha and a major entertainment company about doing a tour. As of right now, though, while funds aren’t necessarily _tight_ , an impromptu and possibly extended trip to Los Angeles is not in the budget at all.

Dark eyes sparkling in amusement, Bonwha grins a little. “They are talking about footing the bill. They _are_ just getting off tour, after all.”

That is true. At least their success might help with Wanderlost in the Western world. Not that you intend to ride their coattails to success. This is just too good of an opportunity to pass up.

“Wait, the _whole_ bill?” Your stomach twists. “That’s a lot just to do a collab with a small band like us.”

With a roll of his eyes, he looks back at his phone. “It really isn’t that big of a deal, [Name], I promise.”

You chew on your lip, twisting the ring through the right side in anxious thought. _He_ might not think anything of it, but you come from a slightly different background – private lessons were not an option, so after three months’ worth gifted for two years of a 4.0GPA, you basically had to teach yourself – so handouts feel strange to you.

Impulsively, you tap the number given to you by Luke and send a quick message.

< We will pay you all back ASAP

“What are you doing now?” Bonwha sounds suspicious.

You realize you’ve been gently tugging on the ring, a clear indication of just how anxious you are about something. All these flutters are starting to make you feel nauseous. Maybe you really will go insane when you meet them if just texting sends you into an anxiety attack.

The chime proceeds the vibration by a couple seconds, but you still jump despite expecting it.

> Hey, no. Don’t worry about it. We got this. Like paying it forward

Luke smiles a little as he hits reply to the message you sent him. It is especially cute how you tried to reassure him that you would pay them back. Flying the four of you out here and putting you up in a decent hotel or something is not difficult for them. After their successful tour, with another one to start in a few months, he is fairly certain their manager will have no problem getting it approved. After all, One Direction found them via YouTube, it is their turn to pay it forward by helping out Wanderlost.

“What are you smiling about, mate?” Calum sounds amused, but his expression is one of suspicion.

“[Name] is being cute,” he responds with a shrug, still grinning

Ashton looks up at your name and has to fight the urge to scowl when Luke calls you cute. Maybe he means it in a platonic way? Sure, that’s possible. Right?

“Oh~?” Cal draws it out until he’s practically singing it. “How so? I thought she was already cute.”

They do not miss the little twitch from Ashton, who is carefully not looking at anyone. The three younger guys share amused looks.

“True.” Luke is enjoying this immensely. Usually the guys are ganging up on him instead. “But she is being _extra_ cute.”

Michael takes pity on the drummer, slightly worried he might break his phone if his fists tighten around it even more. “Are you going to elaborate, or just brag?”

The singer almost pouts, but remembering why he says you’re being cute makes him smile. “Apparently Bonwha told her we’d fly them out to L.A. so we can brainstorm or whatever. She’s promised to pay us back.”

Well, Luke is right. That is extra adorable. It has been a while since money was an issue for any of them, but they have not forgotten. Your offering to pay what is a significant amount to you while it won’t even put a dent in their wallets is so fucking sweet that Calum worries they might get cavities. Is it possible for a human to cause other humans to have cavities? He isn’t sure, but hopefully not.

“You told her they don’t have to, right?” Michael asks, still amused.

“Obviously,” Luke says with a roll of his eyes.

A message makes his phone vibrate, so Luke holds it up to look at it. It’s another one from you.

> If you say so…

> Sorry?

Yep, you are adorable. He is actually feeling excited about meeting your band. Working together will be interesting.

< Don’t worry about it babe

* * *

The details planned by Bonwha and Luke are basically kept between them. When you tell Emily and Matt, they are excited, too. They might not be as big a 5SOS fan as you are, but it is still exciting to work with a well-known band like this.

By the time the band lands at LAX, you are two triggers away from a panic attack. You are not fond of planes, especially any flights that last over an hour. By the time you all arrived at the gate, you are ready to crawl over the tops of the seats to get out faster. It suddenly makes sense why airlines do not allow knives, because you would gladly stab a path for yourself to get out of there that much faster.

Sleep and your anxiety medication sound amazing.

But first you all have to look for whoever will be taking you to a hotel and gather your luggage. Fortunately, Matt’s eagle eyes come in handy when he spots the sign that has “Wanderlost” on it. Since he is significantly taller than you, Matt finds it easy to spot things that elude anyone else. Next to you, Bonwha is not much better off. He was unable to sleep, too many thoughts going through his mind.

“Welcome to Los Angeles,” the guide says with a small smile. “I hope you all enjoyed the trip so far.”

The guide is dressed in the standard suit and tie of professional grunts. You have a feeling he makes plenty of money, because are you fairly certain the suit is not cheap. It probably costs more than your rent.

His statement gets a couple grumbles from the group. Not a single one of you is a morning person.

“It’s been decided that you all will be staying at Luke’s first to make it easier to come up with ideas,” the man in the suit says.

A glance at Bonwha shows no reaction so clearly this is not a surprise development. At your glare, he grins cheekily. Oh, yeah, he definitely knew that this was going to happen and has been keeping it a secret.

That’s probably for the best. At least right now, you are too tired to freak out about _sleeping in Luke Hemmings’s house_. Maybe you should bring a paper bag, just in case.

“Breathe, [Name],” Emily giggles, giving you a nudge. “They are just normal guys. You’ll be fine.”

You glare at her. “They’re gorgeous. It’s hardly fair.”

She shrugs, because you have a good point. However, while she can appreciate where you are coming from, she does not have the same issue. None of 5SOS are her type, anyway. Too many penises.

“You’ll be fine,” she reiterates. The smile she has for you is gentle. “You are pretty gorgeous yourself, [Nickname].”

At the compliment, your face heats up. Emily is very free love, but also very much in love with her long-term girlfriend. You know for a fact that both women have bought engagement rings for the other; it’s an inside joke with Bonwha and Matt who will pop the question first.

Still, you are not used to compliments and probably never will be.

The four of you fall into step behind the chauffeur – which is fucking _crazy_ – as he leads through the airport to baggage claim. Fortunately, no one has lost any of their things, so from there you all head for the parking garage.

“[Name], you should probably let them know we are on the way,” Bonwha suggests slyly.

You do not see the little smirk on his face. “Oh, good idea.”

Pulling out your phone, you switch off airplane mode. Before you can even try to open the messages, your phone vibrates.

> Did you land yet?

> Please don’t fall out of the sky

The messages from Ashton make you giggle, but you don’t respond right away.

Ignoring the butterflies playing Quidditch in your stomach, you open the chat with Luke.

< We’ve landed and on the way ^-^

That done, you switch back to the conversation with Ashton.

< Why is SoCal so hot?

You turn the volume back on so you won’t miss anything. Piling in the black van – Matt pretends to grumble about it not being a limo – you find yourself riding shotgun despite the back being plenty roomy.

“It’s so you don’t get carsick,” Bonwha explains, avoiding your eyes. “Wouldn’t want to puke all over them, right?”

The blood drains from your face so fast you feel lightheaded. By the time your color returns to normal, you are glaring at your best friend. He just blinks innocently at you.

“I haven’t gotten carsick in ages,” you mutter sullenly.

Still, with the lingering anxiety from the flight as well as the growing anxiety over meeting your favorite band and _staying at Luke’s house_ you kind of appreciate it. Just your luck for you to have gotten carsick. You would probably walk into traffic if you threw up in front of them. Just thinking about it makes you feel nauseous.

You feel your phone vibrate, so you pull it out for a welcome distraction.

It’s Luke.

> Great! See you soon~

 _Oh, God, I’m meeting 5SOS soon! Like in_ minutes _!_ Even though you have technically done so before – how else would you have gotten that poster signed? – you have been keeping a mental countdown until today. Now you are beginning to feel the claws of panic.

As if sensing it, Bonwha reaches forward to pat on your shoulder. “Deep breaths.”

You let out the one you do not remember holding, before sucking down a new one. The glance you send him makes a little frown appear. He is not sure how to help you feel more comfortable.

Your phone vibrates again. Without thinking, you look at it only to see it is a reply from Ashton.

> Because you’re here ^_~

 _Did… Ashton just call me hot?!_ You are frozen in shock. Very carefully, you slip a hand down to pinch at your thigh. _Ow!_ This is not a dream then.

“Uh, [Name]?” Emily sounds amused.

You glance over your shoulder, twisting a little in your seat to see her. She has her phone out and is staring at something. Dread sets in, heavy and cold in your stomach.

“Yeah…?” The hesitance makes you cringe.

“Might want to check Twitter, girl.”

Still not sure how to respond to Ashton – although you at least acknowledge he is just being a goofball – you bring up the app on your phone to see whatever it is that Emily is now showing to Bonwha who damn near cackles.

_Uh oh._

There are over fifty notifications about something you have been tagged in. Hesitating, you close your eyes and tap on one to see the Tweet in question

You peek with one eye.

It’s Calum’s account.

@Calum5SOS: Sleepover with #Wanderlost! @IndigoFiddle @OppaElectronica

As you watch, Ashton retweets it.

@Ashton5SOS: Got the popcorn! #sleepoverwithWanderlost #sleepoverwith5SOS

Then you see that Bonwha has responded.

@OppaElectronica: Should we bring the party favors? ^x^

“Bonwha!” You look at him incredulously.

He grins. “Relax, [Nickname]. We’re just going to hang out.”

This time it is Michael who responds.

@Michael5SOS: Think we’ve got everything! [Instagram link]

Because you must secretly be a masochist, you follow the link the guitarist has included in his response to Bonwha.

It takes you to Luke’s Instagram.

The picture is of a table that is practically covered in varying bottles of alcohol. There is a large piece of cardboard with _PIZZA_ written across it like it is a placeholder for the food. It certainly seems like they are well-prepared.

@IndigoFiddle: That might be enough. Maybe.

Joking around online is a lot easier than facing them in person. Still, you are feeling more excited than nervous for now. Booze means you can relax and not second-guess every word that comes out of your mouth. You prefer something else, but are not going to make a big deal about it. You and Matt can hunt down a dispensary tomorrow. Or later tonight. Whichever.

The house the SUV pulls up to is ridiculously nice. You cannot even imagine having a house like this. Hell, you will be happy if the band is half as successful as these guys. The others are a little better at hiding their awe, but they still look obviously impressed.

Suddenly you wish you wore something a little nicer than the leggings and spaghetti-strap camisole that is long enough to cover your ass, but tight enough to hug your curves. Emily said you looked sexy-comfy and Bonwha had dragged you away to finish the last-minute packing before the flight.

You probably should have covered up more.

“Hey, guys.”

The smooth voice with the Australian accent practically slides over you as you climb down out of the vehicle. It gives you a second to compose yourself, so you do not _look_ like you are about to flail around like an idiot the way you want to.

Luke has come out of the house, having heard the car pull up. The other guys are inside already, and he had to tell them to stay so they won’t scare you all away.

He smiles at the two members he has not talked to, before glancing to Bonwha. The Asian just nods a greeting.

Finally – best for last, or something – his clear blue gaze lands on you as you practically drop from the van. It is immediately clear that you are even shorter than he thought, which only increases your cuteness factor. It makes him grin a little, especially when your cheeks start to turn red.

“Good flight?”

The others nod, but he sees the way your nose wrinkles a little. A soft huff escapes him; if you keep acting so adorable, he is not sure how any of them are going to focus.

And by any of them, he clearly means Ashton who is blatantly infatuated with you.

He leads the way up to the house, somehow ending up with you half-jogging to keep up with his much longer legs. When he realizes it, he tries to slow down so it is easier on you.

“Not a fan of flying?” he wonders, glancing down at you.

You stumble a little in surprise. “Ah, no, not really. I don’t like when they are really long…” You trail off, embarrassment about rambling about this stealing your voice.

Luke just hums softly. “I’m not a big fan of long flights, either.” Although it has more to do with how cramped he feels with his long legs. Walking around to stretch does not even help for long.

 _Ugh, stop being so damn awkward, [Name]_. _He has a girlfriend. This is just a business meeting, or something. Get a grip!_

With a deep breath that you slowly release, you peer up at him. “Bonwha hasn’t told me anything. What is the plan tonight?”

“Well,” he starts out, scratching the back of his neck. “I figured we would just hang out and maybe do an icebreaker thing.”

That does not seem too bad. “Sounds good. Gonna be a blast!”

At least your enthusiasm is genuine.

Luke just laughs, agreeing with you. That’s the goal; he wants to make sure you all vibe well so that writing the song with you will feel more natural. He doesn’t really think getting along with you and the others is going to be a struggle.

Once everyone is inside, Luke indicates where you all can put your stuff. This just results in a pile of suitcases off to the side. Habitually, both Bonwha and you kick off your shoes before walking any farther.

You do not get very far, before Calum and Michael appear from seemingly nowhere. It is easy enough to greet them; as cute as they are, you have never been as drawn to them as you are to Ashton and Luke. You are going to have to make sure not to have obvious favorites.

There are butterflies in your chest every time you catch Luke looking at you. At least his girlfriend is a pretty good reality check, so you are not going to look into it very much. You just need to convince your brain better to douse the flames of the torch you carry. Hopefully you won’t embarrass yourself.

Calum and Michael share a look with Luke. Even if they didn’t see that picture of you in a 5SOS shirt, it is fairly obvious you are a fan. The fact the youngest finds you downright adorable is also apparent.

“Where’s Ash?” Luke glances around. He thought the drummer would be the first to come see you.

Calum snorts. “He’s around somewhere.”

You are a little disappointed not to meet Ashton yet, but maybe that is for the best. It is hard enough to concentrate with just Luke. You might actually combust when you finally meet Ashton.

There is a moment of awkward silence, before Luke asks if anyone wants a tour. Everyone does, of course, because they do not want to keep asking where things are. Mostly you do. Who wants to ask where the bathroom is? Especially asking hot guys that.

It helps relax you a little, not as much an awkward stranger now that you’ve been through the house. At least you stop blushing soon after he shows everyone where his room is in relation to the guest rooms.

Everyone ends up in the spacious living room. Emily and Matt are talking about guitars with Calum and Michael, and Bonwha is chatting with Luke. Relieved, you slip away back down the hall towards where you are fairly sure he said one of the bathrooms is. As you turn the corner, a door in front of you opens and a large, broad figure steps out.

It is Ashton.

In a towel.

Your heart feels like a hummingbird smashing into a window.

Ashton freezes. He has been nervous all day, so he thought a shower would help as a distraction. It does, because he completely loses track of time. If he had been paying attention, he would have realized it is past the time you are supposed to arrive. He might have put on more than a towel wrapped around his waist.

He notices the way your lips are slightly parted and is almost overwhelmed by the urge to bend down and kiss you. Swallowing hard, face on fire, he takes a step back. That seems to break the trance you’re in.

With a squeak, your hands cover your eyes. “Sorry!”

Alright. That is hands-down the most adorable thing he has seen. He can see your blush around your fingers. It makes him feel more than a little smug.

“Nah, it’s my fault,” he says with a sheepish grin. “I should look where I’m going. Gets me in trouble, so you’d think I’d learn.”

The little giggle that escapes you has him beaming. You peek through your fingers at him, but don’t lower your hands.

“Are you going to stand around in a towel the rest of the night?” you wonder, teasing. You’re pretty proud of yourself for not being an incoherent mess.

Just keep your eyes on his face; it is a cute one. As long as you aren’t looking at the way his broad shoulders make him take up even more room than just being tall, the way that towel is _really_ low on his hips, the way his muscles move – _Shitfuck!_

It is a pretty good ego boost when he sees the way your eyes wander. He can still feel his ears and neck heating up, though, and he has to resist trying to cover himself up. The question just brings the heat to his cheeks.

“Nope, I’m gonna go change now…” He takes a couple steps towards you before trying to slip past

You are struggling not to grin at him. That you made him blush is almost making you feel giddy. It isn’t until he disappears around a corner that you remember the pressing urge that has you away from the group on your own.

Walking into the bathroom feels like you are pushing your way past a wall of humid heat. The mirror is still foggy, and it almost looks like the walls might be dripping from condensation. Aside from the heat, it isn’t too bad. The room smells like a man, probably from whatever shower products Ashton used.

You hurry, and are slightly amused that even the hand towel feels damp when you go to dry your hands. _How long did Ashton shower?_ Your thoughts take a dip into imagining him in the shower, hot water cascading over his collarbones down across his chest and stomach. _Whoa, hold up. None of that_ , you practically growl at yourself. You even try to shake your head to dislodge the thoughts.

Doesn’t work.

At least your face isn’t on fire anymore by the time you reenter the main room with the rest.

“There ya are,” Luke says, almost relieved. “I thought maybe you got lost.”

Your face feels hot again. Ugh. “No, sorry. I, uh… I ran into Ashton when looking for the bathroom.”

Bonwha raises an eyebrow at how red you’re getting. It seems like _something_ happened between you and the drummer. If that is the case, he is a little surprised at your level of restraint.

Before anyone else can comment, freshly dressed Ashton breezes into the room. His hair is still noticeably wet. Upon seeing him, your face reddens even more and you look away.

It really is not fair how attractive they are.

Even more perplexing than your behavior, Ashton flushes, steps faltering a little when he sees you. For some reason, he thought you might take longer, so he had time to get comfortable with the others before you showed up. Apparently, he takes longer to get ready than he thought.

Somehow, probably by focusing on being amused, you manage to tease, “The towel was the better look.”

 _“What?!”_ There are so many tones and volumes that it is said in, it is ridiculous.

The nearly sinister grins on everyone’s face tells both of you that you will never live this down.

“Damn, Irwin, moving fast much?” Calum teases, looking as gleeful as a kid on Christmas.

Ashton glares at his friends – yes, all of them – because he cannot also glare at your since he doesn’t know them. “Shut up.”

Bonwha is smirking at you, but he doesn’t say anything. You know the minute the two of you are alone, though…

Michael glances between Ashton and Calum, before suggesting, “Maybe we should move downstairs.”

Feeling a little dumb for not thinking about it, Luke indicates everyone follow him.

“If y’thirsty, there are plenty of options,” he says over his shoulder. “Feel free to experiment. It’s what we do.”

Calum snorts “Yeah, until one of us decides to be the best bartender.”

Emily perks up. “I used to be a bartender, in college. I don’t mind making the drinks. As long as I’m not in charge of getting the food.”

The four Australians cheer a little at the idea of getting their favorite drinks made correctly. You think it is adorable.

“Is anyone hungry?” Michael seems to be the better host.

It makes Luke a little sulky.

“I could eat,” Matt says with a shrug.

Everyone mutters their agreement. Even if they aren’t hungry, having food ready for when they are sounds like a good plan.

“Is pizza okay with everyone?” Luke has his phone out to see what delivery is available.

Although he does not necessarily mind the idea of going to pick it up. The drive might clear his head a little. His attraction to you is alarming. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but he is fairly certain Ashton has essentially called dibs. It makes him feel uncomfortable and awkward. Kind of like when he was a teenager.

“Pizza’s good,” Bonwha confirms.

You tilt your head. “Is there a non-chain restaurant that delivers?”

This is kind of like a vacation. You definitely don’t want to just eat the same crap you would in Chicago.

“There’s Big Mama’s and Papa’s,” Michael suggests with a thoughtful frown. “Not sure it delivers, but it is local."

“Oh.” Well, shit. You don’t want to impose. “Then nevermind. Wherever is fine.”

Bonwha rolls his eyes. The others glance at Luke, who is watching you with obvious amusement. That look irritates Ashton a lot, so he just looks off to avoid glaring at anyone.

“It’s fine, babe,” Luke tries to reassure you, smiling. “What does everyone want? I’ll go get it.”

Matt gives you a pointed look, which you roll your eyes at. “Um… if I go with you, could we make a pit-stop?”

Your little cringe over asking a favor only makes Luke’s grin wider. He forgets the whole point of going to pick it up is to get his head on straight about you. You’re adorable and very pretty. That is all it is.

Because he is so busy smiling at you, he doesn’t answer right away. After a beat of silence, you panic.

“You don’t have to get out,” you say, like you need to placate him. “Or, y’know, nevermind. Forget I asked.”

Calum is trying to hide his grin. Definitely need to look into preventing cavities caused by your being so sweet. He glances at Ashton, who is watching you with a small smile.

Luke laughs. “It’s fine, [Name]. I don’t mind, and I’m not gonna let you wander L.A. alone.”

Hearing your name roll off his tongue is the equivalent of smashing your head on a keyboard, thoughts scattering. It really is not fair that he is so fucking attractive. You shove that down into the fangirl box and metaphysically lock it away. Or try to.

“Okay…” you mumble.

Everyone else puts in their order, Bonwha giving yours since you are currently getting instructions from Matt. He has his phone out and the two of you are looking at Google maps. Ashton briefly considers sneaking closer to eavesdrop, but decides at the last second not to. At least the way the bassist ruffles your hair is obviously platonic, and you slapping away that hand is done with almost sisterly affection.

So his competition really _is_ Luke, if he doesn’t back off. It bothers him that you will be alone in the car, but he knows Luke will never cheat on Sierra. At least there is that. Just like it is unlikely the singer will end a 2-year relationship after meeting you for all of an hour.

He still has to force himself to relax.

Once everyone has given their pizza preferences, Luke steps out of the room to place the really large order. Food for eight people, plus some extra for munching later. A part of him is aware that there will most likely be a snack run. He also is sure to include a hefty tip, knowing it is the dinner rush for restaurants.

When he returns, it is to an empty room. Except for you, looking out one of the large windows. It is obvious you enjoy the view, because there is a small smile on your lips.

“Did ya get abandoned?” He is teasing. He is fairly sure everyone went downstairs to where they will be hanging out.

It is ideal there, with the built-in bar and entertainment system. It is probably still set up for games, but it is pretty easy to switch it over for movies. Those will probably be going in the background all night.

Fortunately, you do not jump, because you saw him in the reflection. Worrying at the open ring of metal through your lip, you turn to him.

“Yes, they are all just awful…” you say with exaggerated sadness, pouting a little.

It is much easier to interact with Luke on his own. You try not to look into that so much.

Luke is pleasantly surprised by the teasing. Playing along, he pretends to glare angrily at the basement. “I’ll beat ‘em up for ya later.”

“My hero.” You pretend to swoon.

It startles a laugh out of him even as he jerks forward like he is going to try to catch you if you really do faint. Even with the blush, you give him a cheeky grin.

His ears feel a little warm, but he ignores it. “Ready to go?”

“Just need my shoes.” You shrug. Your wallet is in our carry-on so you will just grab it on the way out.

You fall into step behind him, appreciating the view of his broad shoulders and long legs. He glances back at you, trying to slow down to compensate for his stride being at least twice as long as yours. When you realize what he is doing, you give him a sheepish, albeit grateful smile.

It is not long before the two of you are in his car. Your stomach feels all fluttery, but you try to ignore that. _Just act natural, [Name]._

His car is nice enough it has a built in GPS. He starts to plug in the address, only for it to be recognized.

“Ya could’ve just mentioned going to a dispensary,” he teases.

Your face is burning; actually, your whole body feels hot. “I wasn’t sure if you all would be okay with it. Matt and I were just going to smoke outside.”

Not everyone enjoys the smell of marijuana. In fact, it gives Bonwha a headache. You got him to try it once and he has refused ever since.

“It’s fine, you all don’t have to go outside.” He shakes his head a little. “Although, if you’re going to smoke cigarettes, then I’d appreciate it.”

You already plan to go outside anyway. Unless he or one of the other guys lights up in the house.

The silence isn’t awkward, but it isn’t exactly comfortable. You feel paralyzed with the fact you cannot think of _anything_ to talk about. It’s like your mind is an empty vault, all thoughts stolen by the proximity to someone you idolize.

Luke is unsure what to talk about either. The radio is always on for background music, but when he hears the familiar notes to one of their songs, he huffs softly. Just as he reaches out to switch to a different station, your hand lands lightly on his, fingers barely pressing hard enough to be felt.

Realizing you just touched him without permission, you jerk your hand back to your lap and try to ignore the way your imagination tries to trick you into thinking it is tingling. At the same time, your other reaches up to tug anxiously at your piercing. It is a good thing you don’t have to look at him, and you really hope he does not have a chance to see how red your face is.

“Um, sorry,” you mumble, tugging and twisting the metal loop through your lip. “I just… really like this song.”

Luke is not even sure what to do. On the one hand, you are still just as fucking adorable, maybe even more so since you seem to be a little relaxed around him now. He feels pretty damn smug that you like their music, suddenly remembering that band shirt. Should he tease you? He really wants to.

If you are going to “force” him to listen to himself sing, then yes. Fair game. He’ll just have to be gentle.

“It’s fine.” He peeks over at you. “How many of our concerts have you gone to?”

He is really proud of how nonchalant he sounds.

You tense up, heart pounding. Unpleasant heat flashes over you. How…? _If Bonwha said anything, I’ll kill him._

“Uh…” Should you deny it? “Two.”

The first was a couple years ago when they were just taking off. The second one, where you got the poster signed, was more recently. You are just glad he does not remember seeing you.

Luke pretends to check the side mirror to hide his grin. “You’ve got a picture of yourself in one of our band shirts on Instagram,” he informs you quietly, like it is a secret.

Heat floods your face. At this point, you are fairly certain that you could just cook the food with your skin. _Fuck my life._

“Yeah…” You aren’t sure what to say. Do you come clean? You aren’t even sure he will want to know.

Deciding you are far too sober to confess anything else, you slouch just a little in the seat. Luke almost feels bad, since he really is just incredibly flattered. He is fairly certain Sierra doesn’t give a shit about their music. It is nice getting to know an actual fan.

He is saved from trying to make things less awkward by the Bluetooth making his phone ring through the car. You see who it is first, and put your hands over your mouth, much to his confusion. At least until he sees the caller ID: Sierra. Shit.

Avoiding the call will just make her upset, meaning the evening will be ruined by her passive-aggressive behavior. It just isn’t worth it.

Answering it, he says, “Hello?”

 _“Hey, baby,”_ comes Sierra’s voice through the car’s speakers.

He does not entirely miss the way you flinch. Turning down the volume, he tries to smile so she can hear it in his voice.

“Hey.” He tries to will the irritation from his voice. “What’s up?”

 _“Not a whole lot, I miss you,”_ Sierra says, sounding breathy and a little like she is pouting. _“Wanna go get dinner with me?”_

It’s a good thing your hands are over your mouth, because you would not have been able to swallow the tiny noise of distress. Not only is her phone call a really good slap in the face with a two-by-four of reality, but you feel guilty for flirting with him at all. Also the fact you (and the band) have kind of taken over his time. Hell, you should probably get a hotel.

Luke lets out a weary sigh. He _knows_ he told her about the arrival of the band. He reminded her it is a thing still. Her memory usually is not this bad. Did she actually forget, or…?

“Ya know I can’t tonight,” he says, trying to sound gentle. He keeps glancing at you, but now you are staring out the window, still covering your mouth.

Are you trying to muffle even your breathing?

He frowns. Why does he feel like he is doing something wrong?

 _“Why not?”_ She is definitely pouting now.

This is getting annoying, and later he will feel bad for even thinking it, but for now…

“You _know_ why,” he argues. “I’ve told you multiple times that Wanderlost was flying out today.”

There is a huff. _“Ugh. Why can’t the guys entertain them? Or, you could just get dinner with me, then_ hang out _with them later.”_ It is almost a sneer.

A glance at you, and he catches a glimpse at the uncomfortable expression on your face.

“Because the point is to make sure we _all_ vibe.” He is feeling like a broken record. “I can’t go with you… I’m on the way to pick up dinner, actually.”

Your gaze flicks over to him. Surely he won’t tell her you are in the car, too.

 _“Pick up? Places deliver to your house, you know.”_ Sierra sounds more amused than anything.

If he wasn’t driving he would put his face in his hands and groan. As is, he just sighs heavily.

“[Name] suggested that we get something more local,” he mutters, not thinking.

You cringe at your name.

There is a pause. _“… [Name]?”_ Another pause. _“Oh, the weird one who can sing like you.”_

Luke frowns. “She’s not weird—” At least not in the derogatory way that Sierra means it. “—and yes, that [Name]. The lead singer for the band.”

You barely choke back an amused snort when he gives a full introduction to you. He hears your muffled sounds, and grins a little at you. He has no idea how, but he is going to make this up to you.

 _“She_ is _weird. Babe, she’s tiny and her voice is all over the place. Plus she dances around while playing that violin, looking like an idiot.”_ Sierra sounds like she’s trying not to laugh.

Luke is decidedly _not_ , frowning again. “Sierra, stop it. You’ve never even met her, so you’re being a little harsh.”

 _“Why are you defending her?”_ Now she sounds angry, too.

 _Oh, God. Please don’t get in a fight over me while I’m literally right here_ , you silently plead.

“Because she seems pretty cool,” he snaps. “Also, she’s in the fucking car with me right now.” He probably should not have said that.

 _Shitfuck_. Your hands fall back to your lap as you stare at him in shock. By the time he glances at you, you are worrying your lip-ring with your teeth.

_“What the fuck?!”_

Both of you wince at the volume of that indignant screech.

“Sierra—”

 _“Whatever.”_ The call ends, and the music comes back on the radio.

Luke drives silently, mortified by what you just sat through. He feels really bad, especially because Sierra had essentially insulted you to your face.

“Um, I’m—”

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out.

He blinks stupidly. “For what?”

You just glance at the dashboard. “For that? I could’ve stayed at the house, or…”

Something.

He frowns. “Aside from you having to hear that – _I’m_ sorry, by the way – I’m glad you came.”

There are butterflies in your chest, you are pretty sure. You should probably get that checked out, could be serious.

“Really?” Your tone is somewhere between confused and skeptical.

“Of course.” He offers you a grin. At least, right now, he does not feel shy and awkward when he compliments you. “You’re here to keep me company. Nothing better than a drive with a pretty girl.”

Perhaps if Sierra hadn’t just bashed you, he would have kept that to himself.

Still, your cheeks are on fire, and you duck your head to hide the stupid, pleased grin behind your hair. “If you say so.”

For a moment, he hesitates, before reaching over to pat on your knee. It’s innocent, all the way at your joint. Not that his large hand compared to your short thigh puts his hand practically in your lap, or anything.

You are also aware of how close his hand is, going tense under his touch. However, you do not pull away, which is a good sign.

“Dispensary first?” He glances at you, removing his hand.

You smile sheepishly. “If it isn’t too much trouble.”

“Nah, besides the pizza isn’t going to be done anytime soon.”

That is a good point.

For the rest of the drive, the two of you chat about random things. You are both careful to avoid discussing Sierra or the fact you are a 5SOS fan. It turns out to have been the best idea, having you along. You seem to be more relaxed as time passes. Plus, this gives him a chance to get to know you. It helps that the two of you have similar tastes in pretty much anything – except you definitely enjoy K-pop way more than he does – and you share the same sense of humor.

By the time he is pulling into a parking spot, it feels like the two of you have been friends for years. While you might still be easily flustered, you seem pretty comfortable around him.

“You really don’t have to come with me.” You look at the pedestrians walking around, before turning back to him.

He reaches across you to the glove box, where he pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses. With those on, he ties his hair up in a tiny bun. “Incognito mode engaged.”

You cannot stop the giggle. “You still look like you, though.”

Luke is pretty sure he knows why you are reluctant to have him join you. It is just too tempting to pass up teasing you.

“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me, [Nickname]?” He pouts.

Ah, that is hardly fair. The use of your nickname throws you off, but that pout is overkill. Face burning, you cover your eyes to block it out.

“No, of course not,” you whine. “I just don’t want anyone to recognize you and give you shit.”

He grins, knowing you cannot see it with your eyes covered. It is nice to know he is correct about your motives.

“It’s fine, I swear.” Then he gets out of the car before you can respond.

You blink, still unsure his being seen with you is a good thing. Especially the two of you walking into a dispensary.

Still, you are not going to argue. It is nice to have the company. You will just have to hurry so no one gets the chance to recognize him. That should work, right?

You really do try not to take long. You read off the list of strain suggestions that Matt gave you, and the worker helps you either locate them or shows you similar strains. Keeping in mind this is not just to get high, you make sure to get a decent range. It makes you cheer a little when they have the two strains that make the perfect hybrid for you when blended together.

For the most part, Luke just hangs back. If he is not looking around, he is watching you. The serious expression that you make as you give every suggested strain solemn consideration is adorable and distracting. Still, at least so far no one seems to recognize him.

At last, you step away so the order can be weighed and packaged up. The display of pipes and pinch-hitters grabs your attention. You forgot to ask Matt if he smuggled one of his on the flight. If he does not have anything, you will feel really dumb.

One catches your eye. A glass chillum, it is clear with blue bubble-like swirls around the inner chamber. There seems to be glitter or something shimmery inside those swirls. For some reason, it reminds you of the band. _It’s probably the glitter._

A slightly larger pipe looks like a mushroom. It will be easier to share.

The worker is happy to add the glassware to your order, and tosses a grinder in for free since you bought so much.

Finally done, you wander back to Luke. You blush a little. “Sorry that took so long.”

The tall Australian only shrugs. “It’s fine. You seemed to know what you are doing.”

“It isn’t just recreational,” you admit with a sigh.

Luke wants to ask, but decides not to. A lot of people use marijuana for medical reasons. It isn’t really any of his business why you use it. He lets the subject drop.

By the time you get to the pizza place, the food is ready to go. No one seems to recognize Luke, although a lot stare because of how tall he is. Especially when next to you.

There’s just not enough room for you to hold all the food, so it goes on the backseat.

On the way back, Luke suddenly pulls off to the side. “Did you want to hit that before we get back and you have to share?”

Surprise is obvious on your face, but it fades into a relieved smile. “Sure.”

You are pretty efficient. In seconds, you have selected a strain, broken off a piece and slipped it into the grinder. From there, you pack the bowl of the chillum and offer it to Luke along with a lighter that was in your pocket. After a brief hesitation, Luke accepts and takes a hit.

He ends up coughing so hard his eyes are watering.

You have to hide your amusement, taking it back when he can offer it to you without dropping it. He starts the car again while you hit it.

Warm, soothing calmness washes over you almost instantly. Anxieties melt away, aches and pains fade. Everything is awesome. You glance over at Luke, before hitting it one more time to finish up what is left. Pleasantly high, you pack everything away again to make it easier to grab food to make carrying it all in will be a little easier on Luke. Not that he cannot do it alone, just you want to help.

You pull out your phone.

< Almost back. Need help carrying all the food

If anything, Bonwha will at least tell Matt, so they will come help. You do not even think to include the three other members of 5SOS.

Bonwha, however, informs the others, so everyone is waiting outside for you two to get back. He keeps sharing amused looks with Emily because Ashton is clearly anxious about you being gone so long. If the drummer has a crush on you, it is their duty as your friends to hook you up. Right?

Ashton just really wants Luke to return; it’s obviously just for the food, yeah. He hangs back a little when the car approaches so he isn’t bull-rushing it. Still, he cannot help tensing up when the two of you climb out, you in the midst of a giggle-fit. At least your laugh is cute, which is almost distracting from how easy you now seem with the singer. What the hell happened to get you from awkward and shy to this?

At least when he gets closer, he can smell the weed on you both. Your eyes are only showing a hint of pin, so at least you don’t _look_ high.

Matt intercepts you to take the bag from the dispensary. Finding the unwrapped chillum, he holds it up with an amused look.

“Really, [Name]?”

You pout. “That’s Jaejoong II, so be nice. “

“And the other?”

“ _Madarch_ ,” is your retort.

Naming it Grib II would have been too repetitive, so a quick Google search had given you a different translation for _mushroom_.

Ashton is not the only one amused by the way you name your glass pieces. It’s just another cute quirk of yours.

“Let’s get this inside so we can get the party started,” Calum states, leading the way.

Michael rolls his eyes, but moves to take some of the food from Luke. Ashton takes a couple of the pizzas, and follows the bassist inside.

Emily heads straight for the bar to start making drinks. The guys from 5SOS have already given their drink orders, so she does those first. By the time she is done, the food is set up like a buffet, and the small pipe you bought is being passed around. Only Michael and Bonwha abstain, although they do gratefully accept their drinks. The rest of them are also pleased with their beverages, declaring Emily a master.

After a couple of hits, it feels like you might float away. So you head over to the impressive movie collection, intending to browse. You are not sure what you are even in the mood for, although it looks like the one movie you are thinking of is not here. It’s not a very famous one, so you are not surprised.

“Pick something funny, [Name],” is Matt’s suggestion.

Emily pipes up with, “Just no scary movies.”

You pout over your shoulder at her. “You are no fun. Fine.” Maybe you can watch one when she is asleep or something.

Skipping over the first horror-comedy you see, you grab at a different one. This you hold up so Emily can see. Her response is a nod and a thumbs-up.

Ashton watches you move about with ease. It makes him a little twitchy that you seem so comfortable here with Luke’s things now when you were so awkward before. Seriously, what the hell happened during the trip?

Luke gets up from his spot reclining on the couch to come over and take the selected disc away. It is just as easy for him to do it, maybe more so, than if he tried to walk someone through the steps. Fortunately, you do not try to argue and just move to join the rest. It is time to relax and have fun!

You just need to make sure you do not get _too_ comfy. With the help of alcohol and weed, you inhibitions disappear like magic, leaving a very physically affectionate [Name] behind. You are known for cuddling anything that gets too close; your friends are used to providing you with a pillow unless they’re willing to be the sacrifice.

So you aren’t sure whose brilliant idea it is to play drunk Truth or Dare with shots being the punishment if both are refused.

It starts with Calum daring Luke to strip down and only wear a pair of his old skinny jeans. He refuses, so he has to do two shots.

Next, Luke glances around until his eyes land on Emily. “Truth or Dare?”

She grins. “Truth.”

“Who is the most attractive person in this room?”

She doesn’t miss a beat. “[Name].”

Every member of 5SOS looks surprised. They clearly did not expect her to name you. Your group knew it was coming, though. You’re so used to it you roll your eyes instead of being flustered, although you do feel your face getting warm.

Emily glances over. “Truth or Dare, Bonbon?”

You giggle at the nickname, while he glares. Still, he sighs heavily. “Truth. I don’t want to get up.”

“Who is your celebrity crush?”

Now he is the one to roll his eyes. “Still Zendaya, Em.”

She grins with a shrug. It is not like she is going to ask _you_ that. It is hardly fair since your friends know your celebrity crush – crushes – are in the room with you. In fact, you have somehow managed to land yourself between Luke and Ashton. Perhaps the mischievous glint in the Asian guy’s eyes is a good indication as to how that happened.

“[Name].”

It makes you jump. “What?”

“Truth or Dare.”

 _Shitfuck._ You know that either one you choose, he has something embarrassing planned.

“Dare?” What is the worst he can do?

He smirks. “I dare you to… spank the person on your right.”

“ _Ooo_ ~” go Calum, Michael, and Emily.

Cheeks burning, you glance over to Ashton, who is staring at Bonwha with wide eyes. His face is turning red, as are his ears. In fact, it feels like his whole face is on fire. Maybe all of him, even.

“O-Okay,” you stutter, nervous.

Ashton peeks at you, relieved to see you look as shy and embarrassed as he feels. From the other side of him, Calum leans forward to see you.

“Don’t hold back, [Name], he likes it rough,” he offers innocently although that is immediately ruined by the wicked grin.

If your face gets any hotter it will melt.

“C’mon, Ash, move for the lady,” Michael teases with a smirk.

Ashton glares at him, but does lean forward like he is planning to get up. You swallow hard, eyes fixated on his ass. It is a very nice one. Maybe later in private, after you’ve gotten payback, you might thank Bonwha for giving you a legitimate reason to touch Ashton’s butt.

Before you can lose your nerve, and without warning, you wind up and bring your hand down on that ass. Even though impact hurts, you manage to still feel his cheek under your hand. You are pretty sure you might pass out.

Meanwhile, he has let out an embarrassing yelp at the unexpected sting. He is not sure why he expected you to not hit that hard. But that was definitely loud enough others can hear.

While Ashton shifts to find a comfortable way to sit without hurting his ass even more, you glance around the room to find your victim – er, target.

“Calum.”

He looks a little surprised, before grinning. “What’s up, babe?”

“Truth or Dare?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to… streak across the room.” Somehow you manage to say it without laughing, although your grin is almost wolfish.

Everyone stares at you in shock, even Bonwha. Considering how shy and awkward you were when you arrived, this is a drastic change. He eyes the drink you have suspiciously. How strong did Emily make it?

At all the stares, your face starts to burn. “What? It’s a good dare…”

Michael chuckles, nudging Calum to get him out of shock. “No one expected you to be a perverted pixie.”

At that, everyone is laughing, and when they see the pout on your face, the laughter starts up again. Even Ashton is giggling, because the thought of you being a pixie is incredibly fitting considering your height compared to everyone else.

Face red, you cross your arms like you are going to sulk. “At least I have an idea for a Halloween costume now.”

“It’s January, [Name].” Bonwha is grinning.

“Exactly. I’m over-prepared,” you huff.

Calum gets up and moves to duck out of the room so he can strip down for the dare. Once he’s removed all his clothes, he peeks around the wall. You raise your eyebrows, expectant.

The streaking itself is done at a sprint, his face, ears, and neck turning red before he flees back out of the room to get dressed again. It’s while he does this that he thinks up the perfect revenge. It makes him cackle.

“Truth or Dare, [Name]?” is what he says as he breezes back into the room, pulling his shirt down.

 _Uh oh_. Eyes wide, you look almost afraid to answer. Just doing shots instead is still an option. Although you _really_ shouldn’t drink anymore.

“Dare.” At least you don’t stutter.

His grin turns from mischievous to sinister. “I dare you to sit on Luke’s lap for 10 minutes.”

It is perfect. It will make you embarrassed – he can see you already starting to blush – and it goads Ashton. Clearly a win-win.

You chance a glance at Luke. He looks surprised, and you can see his face turning pink. When he feels you looking at him, he glances at you. Whatever he sees on your face makes him smile encouragingly at you. _It’s fine, [Name], only ten minutes_.

Trying not to embarrass yourself even more, you get up to carefully crawl into his lap. He shifts a little to accommodate you. At first, you sit there stiffly, trying to touch as little of him as possible. Maybe you can just levitate if you will it hard enough, or something.

Amused, Luke slides an arm around you so he can shift off the couch and onto the floor, where he can cross his legs and basically make a seat for you. You squeak when he moves, but have to admit this is more comfortable. You relax a little.

Glancing over your shoulder, you tell him, “If your legs fall asleep, push me off.”

“It will take longer than 10 minutes before that will happen, so don’t worry. I barely feel you.” He shrugs.

The game continues. By the time anyone mentions the 10 minutes being up, you have relaxed to the point you are leaning back slightly against him. It is only the fact he is so warm and comfy that has you reluctantly sliding back into your spot on the couch.

It’s at this point that everyone seems to remember the food, so the game is paused while plates are made and drinks refilled. You and Matt slip away to find a path outside. Even if Luke gave permission, it still feels wrong to smoke in his really nice house. Besides, you’ll want a cigarette after anyway. You aren’t sure when Cal and Emily join you, but the four of you are a giggling mess when you stumble back inside.

The game commences once everyone is sitting again. It is while you are up again a bit later, browsing through the movies that Bonwha focuses on you. He waits until you’ve plopped back down next to Ashton on the couch, Luke having returned to his spot on the floor so he can stretch out.

“[Name], Truth or Dare?”

You do not like the glint in his eyes. “Truth?”

He smirks. “If you had to sleep with one person in this room, who would it be?”

You stare at him to keep yourself from glancing at either Luke or Ashton. At the look on your face, his grin widens.

“Uh… What’s the Dare?” You are eyeing the shot glass on the little side-table next to Michael.

Bonwha is more than aware that you have reached the point when you really should not keep drinking. He is already rather impressed that you haven’t latched like a koala onto either of the guys next to you. That self-control will go right out the window if you take the punishment and do two shots.

“I dare you to remove either your pants, or your top.” His smile is downright wicked.

“Bonwha!” Your face is on fire.

He just cackles.

There is no way you will do the Truth, and you would rather avoid doing shots until you have sobered up some more. A glance at yourself reminds you why taking your shirt off is not an option. You have no bra on.

“Thank God, I wore panties,” you mumble, unaware that you have done so aloud.

Ashton about chokes, face flaring red. Meanwhile, Luke pauses as he starts to lean forward, having intended to pour the shots for you, to blink a couple of times as he struggles to process that. It takes him a minute before he is turning pink, too.

To everyone’s surprise except Bonwha’s, you push yourself up off the couch. You don’t bother leaving the room, and just start wiggling out of the leggings you have on. As short as they are, you know you have nice legs. The underwear you have on isn’t a thong, but cute cheeksters that flatter your ass. It looks fantastic, and you’re actually rather proud of it, so showing it off is no problem. Not when you already feel this good.

Your camisole is long enough to _technically_ cover it, although you flash some hip and cheek when you lean over to grab your pants once you step out of them. These you throw at Bonwha’s face.

“Happy now?”

Considering the look on Ashton’s face, Bonwha nods. “Yep.”

It isn’t until you have sat back down that you realize you’re basically giving Ashton and Luke a show. Your face starts to feel hot all over again.

“Truth or Dare, Michael.” It is safe to look at him. He has a fiancé.

He looks amused. “Dare.”

“I dare you to lick Bonwha’s face.

Even Matt looks surprised. “You really are a perverted pixie.”

“Maybe you should change your Twitter handle,” Calum teases.

“Or make that your handle for cam shows,” grumbles Bonwha, although he should have expected you to get revenge sooner rather than later.

It makes you giggle, which only gets louder when Michael gets up to go over to where your best friend is sitting. For a moment it looks almost romantic, with the Australian slowly bending down. But the way he slides his tongue across Bonwha’s cheek is decidedly not. You are leaning a little against Ashton, still laughing, when he sits back down. Bonwha wipes off his face with the hem of his shirt, lips pressed together.

The game bounces around some more. Emily ends up without a shirt, having opted to show off her sports bra. Matt ends up with Calum sitting in his lap.

“Truth or Dare, [Name].” Matt is still annoyed about Calum on his lap.

“Truth.”

“Who is your celebrity crush?”

At this point, you are stoned, a little past buzzed, and feeling great. Instead of getting flustered, you smile lazily at him. “Louis Tomlinson.”

The guys of 5SOS look shocked, although Calum just snickers to himself.

“Really?” Luke is not sure why he feels a little disappointed. It must be on Ashton’s behalf. He can see the drummer trying to hide his distress.

You shrug. “He’s got a nifty accent and an amazing ass.”

Now Calum is cracking up. “We should tell him.”

You pout. “Jerk.”

He only winks at you.

Unable to think of anything, you lean more against Ashton, oblivious to the way he tenses up before relaxing. “Pass.”

Calum glances between you and Ashton with a mischievous smirk. You miss this, but Ashton does not.

“Ashton, Truth or Dare?”

The drummer sighs. For the most part, he has gotten through the game relatively unscathed after you spanked him. He should have known it wouldn’t last.

“Dare.” It isn’t like anyone will dare him to kiss you. Unfortunately.

“I dare you to sing a duet with [Name] and put it up on social media, including YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram.”

Ashton’s ears and neck are burning as he glares at his friend, before glancing down at you.

You blink up at him curiously, because you definitely do not mind singing with him. You don’t think to say this, smiling encouragingly instead.

“Fine.” Ashton sighs. “What song?”

It’s Bonwha who thinks of it. With a snigger, he leans over to whisper the suggestion to the bassist, getting a glare from you for interfering. He just smiles cheekily at you.

“Here we go,” Calum says, having found the song on YouTube, complete with lyrics.

A moment later, both your and Ashton’s phones go off. You just assume he got the number from either Ashton or Luke, so you aren’t bothered by not having given it to him. Clicking the link, you soon groan and smack yourself in the face.

“Really?” You give Bonwha an incredulous look.

He shrugs with a disarming smile. “You like the song, and I know you know it. Now you don’t have to try and sing both parts.”

You don’t feel like telling him you enjoy doing both, it’s like a crazy vocal exercise. Still, you glance at Ashton, who is watching the video on silent so he can see the words. As often as you have belted this out – especially in the shower – you are more than ready.

“We’ll set up while you two practice.”

Effectively banished, you and Ashton get up and wander out of the room. You have to follow his lead until he reaches a little bedroom in the basement. Once in there, he starts the video over again, but with the volume on. You watch him keeping the beat as he listens. Once it is over, he replays it again, this time humming along to get a better feel for the melody.

After maybe a dozen watches, he finally looks up at you. “Alright, I’m ready."

You smile. “Great!”

As he follows you out, he cannot help the way his gaze roams. He tries not to let it linger on your ass, but mostly fails. He is also tall enough he can see down the shirt into your cleavage a little. He jerks his gaze away, face warming up. As soon as this song is done, he is going to get drunk enough to forget this. Nevermind that this tactic has never worked before.

You are not sure where they found microphones for you two, but you aren’t going to complain. If this has to go online, you want the sound quality to be good. It isn’t until you are standing up to sing, that you remember that you still aren’t wearing pants.

_Oh, well!_

The two of you get into position so that you can start once the music begin. Bonwha probably has something to do with why the microphones are set up facing each other.

For having never heard the song before today, Ashton does a great job. He gets the lyrics right, and manages to look at you with only a fraction of the longing he feels because singing about it brings it all forward. Still, he can see the way you blush and avoid his gaze.

But when it’s your turn, you smile easily at him. _This is just another performance._ The key to making that believable is to feel what you’re singing, and that’s easy enough.

_“You think it’s easy? You think I don’t want to run to you?”_

Ashton’s heart is pounding. Even though he just memorized the song, it almost feels like you really mean the words for him. In fact, your eyes are smoldering with desire. He has to keep reminding himself you are just really into the song. On top of that you are not exactly sober.

_“No one can rewrite the stars. How can you say you’ll be mine?”_

Are those actual tears in your eyes? You see Ashton’s widen, but he doesn’t interrupt.

He is ready when the two of you sing the bridge together.

 _“All I want is to_ fly _with you! All I want is to_ fall _with you! So just give me_ all _of you!”_

Perhaps it should not be so surprising that your voices blend so well together. It makes Ashton feel like champagne is pumping through his veins, full of bubbly warmth. When you smile at him, he cannot help grinning back.

Luke has to admit that you look very cute with Ashton. He also has to admit that your voice sounds good with his friend’s. He just is not sure why this makes him feel so uncomfortable. Calum notices the slightly sulky look on the singer’s face, but does not say anything, just raising an eyebrow.

At the end, your voice drops and you look sad. It is enough to make Ashton want to find whoever made you look like that and kick the shit out of them. It would be so worth it.

_“… But I can’t have you. We’re bound to break and my hands… are tied.”_

An actual tear slips from your eye, but you quickly wipe it away with a nervous laugh. “Sorry, uh… You sounded amazing.”

Ashton feels a little overstimulated. He wants to reassure you about the tear, express his gratitude for the compliment, and also shower you with praise. In person, you manage to sound even better. He almost feels like he is a cat and your voice is his catnip.

Clearly he is a little more drunk than he thought.

Bonwha sends the video to Ashton, whose phone is snatched away by Calum before he even gets a chance to watch it. He glares at his friend, who ignores him as he goes to his original spot by Michael.

“You have a beautiful voice,” he says, at last. Ugh, lame.

Still, you blush with a small smile. “Thanks!”

It is not until you have sat back down, that it hits you. Eyes wide, you turn to Bonwha. “You made sure my ass isn’t showing, right?”

Bonwha puts his hand to his heart. “[Nickname], how could you think I would send a video with your butt on display to be uploaded?” He sounds wounded.

You narrow your eyes. “Easy, because it will get more views.”

He chuckles. “You know me too well.” At the glare, he sighs. “There might be a couple flashes, but it isn’t like your ass is just hanging out there the whole time.”

That’s better than the alternative. At least you have a nice ass. You are fairly sure there are more revealing videos of you somewhere.

From there, the game winds down. Luke reminds everyone where the guest rooms are, if they want one. Emily, Matt, Bonwha, and Michael all wander off to sleep. You and the rest of 5SOS make no move to relocate. You are being quietly lulled to sleep by a combination of their voices and the warmth radiating off of Ashton and Luke.

It isn’t until you slip sideways so your head lands against his arm that Ashton even realizes you are tired. The three of them watch in amusement as you shift around so you can practically burrow into the drummer’s side, before curling up to sleep. Any movement from him earns what sounds like a tiny growl from you, and an arm draped across his stomach.

He can feel the muscles twitching under your light touch.

Luke is tired enough to just appreciate how cute you look sleeping like that.

“I don’t think she’s gonna let me go,” Ashton mutters, trying to carefully extricate himself from your grip.

You only tighten your hold on him in response.

Calum is grinning. “Guess you’ll just have to sleep with her,” he teases, voice practically dripping with innuendo.

Luke rolls his eyes. “Or carry her to the guestroom. I’m sure someone knows how to unlock her.”

Neither idea sounds very good. Yet he knows if he tries to just sleep where he is, he will end up with an even bigger headache when he gets up.

Sighing, he twists sideways in your grasp so he can scoop you into his arms. You whine at the movement, but contentedly snuggle back into him. It’s the little nuzzle at his chest that makes his cheeks turn scarlet. At least he does not drop you. Now just to figure out how to get you to let go. As much as he wants to cuddle all night, he knows he shouldn’t. You are obviously drunk, and he refuses to take advantage of it.

Almost as if sensing you, Bonwha peeks out of one of the rooms. Seeing the way you are being carried, he rolls his eyes.

“Here, set her on the bed.”

While Ashton moves to do that, Bonwha snatches a pillow. Carefully, he slides the pillow between you and the drummer as Ashton slowly pulls away from you. You whine a little when he moves, but happily latch onto the pillow. You roll onto your side and hide your face in it, curling up a little.

Bonwha notices the bemusement on Ashton’s face and grins sleepily. “She’s prone to cuddling anything that gets close enough.”

Ashton finds that rather adorable, not even upset that you will do it to anyone and not just him. He turns and wanders away to find his own place to crash, much too tired to drive home.

That duet video goes viral even faster than the one where you sang like Luke. Once again, the fanbase is responsible for spreading it around.

Unlike the first time, however, there are more negative comments. A lot seem to focus on how you are dressed, but even those have fans from both sides defending you. Others took offense at how you are clearly under the influence.

Photos of you and Luke going into the dispensary soon circulate as well. You probably spend as much time apologizing for that as Luke does defending you over it. The others also defend you, but they tend towards dealing with the video while Luke handles the photos.

He also has to deal with Sierra blowing up at him. It’s a good thing no one has pictures of you in his lap.

Still, it is a weird feeling when both Zendaya and Zac Efron follow you on social media, too. They even Retweet the cover by Ashton and yourself. It is all very surreal.

It’s been a couple of days. Last night, you and Bonwha sat down with Luke to discuss the collab. Bonwha has a lot of ideas, as does Luke. This is not how you usually writ music, so you were quiet and took notes. Inspiration usually hits you at random.

Such as now.

It’s a little after 2:30 in the morning. Everyone else is asleep – you checked – and your brain will not shut off. There are so many ideas trying to vie for attention, scrambling to fit together into a coherent piece. It feels like someone dumped a mixed bag of puzzle pieces into your brain. Now to put it together, you have to sort through the pieces.

Which is why you get up and quietly retrieve your violin. Making sure you are properly wrapped up in a sweater, you wander out to the deck that overlooks Luke’s backyard. It is chilly, somewhere in the 50’s, but not intolerably so. It is actually rather refreshing, even though you feel more awake than before.

You curl up on one of the chairs, quickly tuning the violin as you get settled. From inside the case, you pull out a notebook filled with composition paper, and flip to a clean page. Sure, there are partial songs you have started, but you want something new for 5SOS.

Between your voice and violin, you slowly begin to arrange a song. You’ll figure out the lyrics later.

This is by far your favorite part of your job.

Luke is not sure what wakes him up. As he lays in bed, there aren’t any strange sounds that might be the cause. He is about to just roll over into more restless sleep, when he hears it. At first he thinks he is imagining things, but no. That is definitely the sound of a violin.

There is only one violinist here.

Slipping out of bed, he makes sure to pull a t-shirt on before wandering the house to find you.

It isn’t too hard once he pinpoints the direction the music is coming from. He is a little surprised you went outside, but maybe he shouldn’t be. After all, despite what he says, you continue to smoke outside.

When he steps outside, he is not entirely surprised by the scene. You have your head back, eyes closed, and are carefully plucking at the strings while the bow is across your lap. It is very similar to that candid shot where you wore the 5SOS top. He has to hide a smile.

It is soon obvious you have no idea he is even there with you, so focused are you on letting the music flow. Luke is reluctant to interrupt you in case it throws off the song. Still, he feels creepy just standing there watching you.

“[Name]?”

You jump, eyes opening to stare at him. Your face turns red. “Sorry! Did I wake you?”

Luke hides a grin at your surprise. “You didn’t. I just heard the music and followed it here.”

The smile you give him is shy, and sleepy. “It’s nothing yet. I just can’t sleep…”

Luke nods. The bug to compose has bitten him at inopportune times, too. He also understands how hard it is to focus on anything else until it is taken care of.

“You want some coffee?” He glances back inside.

Your nose wrinkles. “No, thanks. Coffee is gross.”

He looks shocked. It makes you giggle; that exression is given to you a lot when you claim popular things are gross.

“I also dislike bacon.”

Luke scoots away from you like your tastes are contagious. “That’s a little much.”

“Don’t like BBQ either.”

“Now, that just isn’t very American,” he pretends to scold you.

With a heavy sigh, you look down in shame. “I know, I’m so unpatriotic.” You pretend to slap yourself. “Bad [Name].”

Luke feels his skin heating up as his tired brain tries to turn it into something a lot dirtier. He rubs at his face like that will bring his mind back out of the gutter.

“But this means more for everyone else around me,” you point out, looking up at him hopefully, as if this will redeem you somehow.

It is unfair how fucking adorable you are.

At least you are wearing paints now. During the duet with Ashton, Luke had a very good view from his spot on the floor. He had quite a while to try not to stare at your butt. Despite fighting it, he feels like it is burned into his mind.

“True…” Since you don’t want coffee, he just sits down next to you. “Can I hear it so far?”

“Uh… Sure.”

If this was Bonwha, you would have no problem. Yet it isn’t, so you are extra nervous. What if he thinks it’s stupid?

With a deep breath, you close your eyes and let it out. Keeping them shut, though, so he cannot distract you, you pick up the bow from your lap.

Luke listens silently as you play. Even though there aren’t any words, you open your mouth to sing along with what your bow is pulling from the violin. The fascinating part is you somehow manage to make your vocals sound almost exactly like a flute, or woodwind instrument. You sing the harmony while your bow dances over the strings to play the melody. It’s fascinating.

The music’s also beautiful. Luke’s eyes start to drift shut, lulled to sleep by your song. He blinks at you only to find you watching him with laughter in your eyes. He pouts a little, not sure why you would be laughing at him.

The song ends abruptly, your smile sheepish. “Sorry. That’s just where I stopped.”

“It’s fine.” He waves off your apology. “[Name], that was really pretty.”

Your smile is shy, but pleased. “Thanks. It’s not done, obviously…”

“Do you know where you want to go with it?”

You frown, looking at the notes you have written down so far. “Not really. I was hoping to use it for the collab, but I’m not sure if it’s useful or not.”

Luke can only shrug. This is farther than he or Bonwha have gotten. He has not even asked the others if they have ideas. As far as he knows, no one even has a set idea about what direction to take.

“If you want, we could go down to the studio and work on it there.” Despite how tired he is, Luke does not want to waste the wave of creativity that you are currently riding.

You blink. “Studio?”

Smiling self-consciously, he nods. “Yep, there’s one in the basement. I forgot to show it on the tour since we didn’t go downstairs until later. It’s not much.”

Not much must mean very different things to you. The studio in question is decked out with a sound room and recording booth. It might be smaller than a professional recording studio, but it has all the same amenities. The skeptical look you give him makes him blush.

“I think this is better than where our first few songs were recorded,” you tease, although it is mostly true.

Luke’s face burns even more. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

The two of you work in there for hours, going back and forth with instrumentals and lyrics. Eventually, you relocate to the couch where you sit to start really working on the lyrics. You do not remember Luke fetching drinks, glad for the mug of hot cocoa while he sips at coffee.

It’s here that Bonwha finds you the next day.

The rest of the band had gotten a full tour of the basement from Michael while you were getting dinner with Luke. He makes his way down when there is no sign of either of you all morning. Sometimes you have trouble sleeping, too, so you might have braved learning Luke’s entertainment system.

It is chance that makes him peek into the studio. Sure enough, there you both are. The two of you are sitting on a love-seat with pages of notes and lyrics scattered across the little table in front of you. It’s clear you fell asleep while writing, because there is a pencil on the floor where it fell out of your hands.

At some point, Luke shifted so he is propped up in the corner of the couch, stretched out across both cushions with his legs draping off it so his feet are on the floor. You have managed to nestle yourself into the small area between his side and the back of the couch, fitting yourself against him with one arm draped loosely across his waist.

Bonwha smirks, taking advantage by snapping a couple pictures.

As he watches, Luke shifts slightly. Your arm tightens immediately, only relaxing when his own comes up so he can rest his hand on your hip.

With even more photos, he slips from the room. As he goes through them, he sends the best ones to Calum.

Moments later, Calum is sharing one of the photos taken after Luke has his arm over you on Instagram, tagging it with:

@5SOS @Wanderlost Looks like Luke found a koala **#wherethemagichappens #latenightsession**

He should have known better.

The majority of Wanderlost fans see nothing wrong with it. It’s just another candid moment in your life, and they are more than aware how you cuddle with anyone who gets too close and practically turn into an octopus. This is no different than the videos of you sleeping while latched onto Emily, Matt, or Bonwha.

It’s the 5SOS fans that react negatively. Not all of them, but quite a few. These attack the intimacy between you two, even going so far as to call you a homewrecker. Others are confused because the Ashton-[Name] ship has already gotten quite a few passengers. The few who don’t care are more focused on the music, trying to zoom in for a closer look at the music sheets as if it is a spoiler they are sneaking a peek at.

Based on the way Luke’s phone begins ringing silently, it is safe to assume Sierra is not pleased.

Fortunately, by the time the two of you stir, the others have mostly defended you, although Ashton takes it far enough to essentially reprimand the 5SOS fans, letting them know he finds the negative attitudes disappointing. Aside from the press, the only issue that needs dealt with is Sierra.

You are relieved not to deal with that.

At least all the drama gives you even more reason to lose yourself in the music again. Your friends are used to you getting into moods like this, so they are not alarmed by you basically withdrawing to focus. They even have to remind you to eat, which you appreciate in an absent way.

You practically move into the studio.

Which is where Ashton finds you a couple of days later.

He got a message from Bonwha suggesting he come and try to help you out of the trance you seem to be in. It never occurred to him that _he_ can help. Still, when he asks for suggestions on how to do that, the Asian guy only shrugs and tells him to write a song with you.

There is no sign that you notice him. You have headphones on, nodding your head a little to whatever beat you hear. Your lips move as you mouth the words. If you don’t like a part, you mark down the time spot and keep going.

He is smiling a little when he sits next to you. Reaching out, he gently pats on your shoulder to get your attention.

With a squeak, you jump, pulling your headphones off. “You scared me!”

That noise is too cute. “Sorry!” The smile he offers you is sheepish.

Heart still pounding, you let out a relieved sigh. It’s just Ashton. _When did that get so easy to think?_ It’s a little weird how comfortable you feel with them now. Sometimes it feels like you all have always been friends.

“Did… you need something?” You look a little confused. Why interrupt you if that isn’t the case?

His ears feel hot. “I was hoping y’will let me hear what you’ve got so far.”

Now it’s your turn to blush. “I suppose. It isn’t very good…”

For some reason, Ashton finds that hard to believe. He doesn’t say anything though, just accepts the second set of headphones when you hold them out to him.

He does not miss the anxious look you have as you start what you have recorded from the beginning. He tries to offer you an encouraging smile before the music starts.

Ashton listens quietly, focused. Obviously, there is only your voice and violin, so he has to keep that in mind. Still, what you have so far is a great starting point. It even gives him ideas.

He pulls the headphones off one ear so he can hear you once it’s done.

“It’s sounding great,” he says honestly, smug despite himself when the compliment makes you blush.

“Thanks, Ash.” The nickname slips out.

Both of you turn pink, although you aren’t looking at each other to see it.

Clearing his throat, he scoots a little closer to you – so he can see the music better, of course. Yes. “What if…”

Instead of explaining, he leans forward to restart the music, only this time he adds a beat using his hands on the counter. Your head starts bobbing with his addition, a dazzling smile lighting up your face. That expression makes you distractingly beautiful.

“Yes! Then maybe…” You scoot closer, too, without thinking.

You do not know a lot about guitars, but enough to write parts for them, especially with the help Luke gave you a couple nights ago. It is really hard not to think about that picture…

Pushing that away, you pull the music over and offer the notebook to the drummer. “Can you add your part to it?”

He chuckles softly, but nods.

While he does that, you replay the song again, tapping out the beat he showed you. With a rush, you hurry to scribble down lyrics as they come to you. It is silent for a few minutes as you both transfer what is in your heads to paper.

Ashton finishes first, so he leans over to read what you’ve written so far. It is a little disjointed, but he figures that is from your free-writing it. They will work on the lyrics all together here in the next few days. There is only a little pressure form the studio, because the deadline on their new album is coming up.

“ _Nostalgia_?” That’s the standing title you have given it.

You nod, shrugging. “It’s fun to look back on memories, missing somethings and relieved to be past others; it’s very bittersweet. But it’s important to look forward to better enjoy new changes as they come.”

Your face is hot, mostly from explaining the lyrics, but also because this whole situation is a new one that you are definitely enjoying.

Ashton thinks you are extra cute when you are explaining the concept behind the song. Based on what he has heard you sing so far, he thinks this could be the song that ends up going forward. It’s a topic he knows they can all relate to.

“I like it,” he says, earning a grateful smile from you.

“Oh, good.” The relief that rushes over you is ridiculous.

Getting the approval of 5SOS is basically a dream come true. You barely manage to resist pinching yourself.

“Do you think you could help me?” You fidget with the hem of your shirt a little. “I mean, with the lyrics. It’s not just _my_ song.”

You aren’t really used to writing for others. You really just don’t want people to think it only sounds like you. That isn’t the point of a collaboration.

Ashton internally rolls his eyes at himself for the butterflies in his stomach. The whole reason you are here is to write a song together between the two bands. He still feels really flattered you asked _him_.

“Of course, babe,” he says with a grin.

The two of you work on the lyrics until Ashton falls asleep. He looks so cute, you cannot help sneaking a photo, before draping a blanket over him. After a moment, you upload it to Instagram with the caption:

@IndigoFiddle: Music soothes the savage beast, but this is ridiculous! Never thought I’d empathize with Jigglypuff @Ashton5SOS #WheresMyMarker

The urge to kiss him – literally anywhere, even his arm – is so overwhelming that you freeze for a moment until it passes. Shaking your head to clear it, you step into the actual sound booth. It might not be the greatest quality, but you can record on your phone for playback just fine. It’s how you are used to doing it back home anyway.

Fully aware that fans will want to hear mostly 5SOS, you plan to give most of the singing parts to the guys. In the booth, you sing through what you have so far three times, recording each one individually. In the first two, you try your best to mimic Luke and Calum, respectively, so it sounds almost exactly like it would if they were in the booth with you right now. It’s a little silly, you are aware. Still, for the third time, it feels good to sing as [Name], like a bird stretching its wings after being stuck in a cage for too long.

It’s easier to sing as yourself, and you get to have fun. Between operatic arias for the background and putting as many emotions as you feel when writing the song into your voice as you sing it, it is a unique style that is all your own. For the fun of it, you include some extra vocal techniques in there, including the whistle register and a hint of overtones.

This version will never be heard by anyone outside the bands, so you are free to show off and have fun.

When Ashton jerks awake, he is extremely disoriented. It takes him a moment to remember he is not at home, but at Luke’s. In his basement studio. With you.

Embarrassed, he looks around for you, furious with himself for falling asleep on you like that. Although, he has to admit that you putting that blanket over him fills him with happiness. It is so sweet of you, even if he would have preferred to be woken up.

He relaxes when he sees you curled up on the small couch. Your hair has slipped over your face, and you have your phone loosely held in your hand. Even as he watches, your hand relaxes even more, causing the device to slip free and land on the floor with a soft thud. For some reason, he freezes, as if he needs to avoid waking you up. He forces himself to relax, which is easier when you don’t stir awake or anything.

The cellphone appears in his hand almost before he realizes he has moved closer. He stares at it for a moment, before swiping it open.

There are three audio files in the folder you have open. He starts to go into the booth, but turns back at the last second. With his own phone, he takes a picture of you sleeping on the couch.

It’s a good thing that none of the guys are there to see the stupid grin on his face right now. They would never stop teasing him. They have finally stopped teasing him out loud about his obvious crush on you, and that’s only because they aren’t _complete_ assholes; they don’t want to actually out him to you. So they just do it silently with smirks, raised eyebrows, and gestures behind your back.

He returns his phone to his pocket and steps into the sound booth. The stool is too low, which damn near makes him giggle, because it means you have recently been sitting there. Maybe you were sitting here recording these while he was asleep. That’s the only explanation he has for why he did not hear anything. He would have woken up if he had.

Probably.

Turning your phone back on is easy enough. Should Bonwha find out you don’t have any password at all? Ashton isn’t sure if the two of you are close enough for him to say anything himself.

With his eyes closed to block out distractions, he presses play.

Your voice is crystal clear, with the instrumental faint in the background. Ashton recognizes that you are singing the lyrics he has been working with you on. You do a great job, the combination of emotion and exercising your specific vocal talents is a unique experience. It’s all the more impressive when he realizes you will also be playing the violin while singing at least some of this. You’ve done so in the videos you have on YouTube, the ones fans have shared on other social media sites.

It’s obvious you were having fun when you were singing this. The adlib arias – is that the whistle register? – demonstrate a pretty amazing level of vocal control for someone without formal training. Surely you wouldn’t do all of these during live performances. It would wear out your voice quickly.

Once that first audio file is done, he goes to the next.

He blinks in surprise when he hears Luke’s voice.

Lack of sleep is what he will blame for the amount of time it takes to realize it’s you singing like his friend again. If he listens close enough, this time he can hear a couple slight differences in how you pronounce things without the Australian influence. Still pretty damn close.

Curiously, he taps the third. This time his eyebrows shoot up, too. Ashton has no idea where Calum is, but it definitely isn’t in Luke’s house. There is absolutely no chance you got the guy to sing for you without him waking Ashton up, or at least playing a prank on him.

He has to quickly look at himself in the reflection of the phone screen to see if there is anything drawn on his face. It’s clear.

Which means you also mimicked _Calum_.

No wonder Bonwha considers you the raw talent to his genius. Your vocal control is amazing.

He knows he shouldn’t, but Ashton quickly sends a copy of the sound files to himself. He has an idea why you recorded multiple versions.

Returning to the sound room, he quickly covers you with the blanket you had covered him with earlier. Then he slips away to go track down the others. Or at least Bonwha.

* * *

Once your part is finished and all that is left is for the others to learn and practice the music that has been stuck in your head for days now, you crash. Like one minute, you’re hanging out eating Chinese, the next you’re curled up cuddling Luke’s dog, who has taken a liking to you. Bonwha isn’t alarmed, and Emily explains that at the end of a creative wave – “More like tsunami,” Matt adds thoughtfully – you always crash. The reason they had suggested staying in is for this moment. There’s no real prediction when you’ll fall asleep, so they wanted to keep you somewhere familiar and comfortable.

While you sleep, they are busy. They have to finish and practice their individual parts. Once you wake up, they will record a demo so that Luke can take it to their managers. Although he has not said so yet, Luke fully anticipates including this song on the new album.

If that’s the case, he plans to ask Wanderlost to open for 5SOS during their upcoming tour later this year.

There is a lot of work to do.

Fortunately, everything runs fairly smoothly. The song has been broken down specifically for each person, so once they know their parts, it’s a matter of getting the timing right. By the time you wake up for good, it is almost two days later.

Your violin and voice slide into place, filling any gaps like resin holding everything together.

Once the manager has given the green light, everything becomes extremely busy. There’s the final recording to finish. There’s a sudden push to assemble a debut album using songs Wanderlost has only been working on for fun. There is even a contract negotiation to deal with, meaning you all spend a lot of time downtown.

At some point, someone suggests maybe Luke wanting his house back – when in actuality he does not care – so suddenly you all are heading back home so you can pack for an extended visit to L.A. at a house you all will be staying in. Having to leave sucks, although you’re cheered up by getting to bring your dog to California now. Actually, you’re rather relieved, too.

The teaser for the song comes out while you are still in Chicago. At the end, the release date for the new 5SOS album is spoiled. You’re almost more excited about that than your song being mentioned. You _need_ their album when it comes out. Not only is it their new one, but _you are on it!_ You, [Name], are featured on the fourth studio album of your favorite band.

With that, you all learn that the music video is being planned out already so filming can start once you all are back.

Eventually, you’re at the airport getting ready to fly back to L.A. with your Doberman Pinscher, Riddick. Between his unusual fawn-and-rust coloring and his service dog vest, he is bound to gain attention. You are doing your best to ignore that. The face he acts as a service animal for you is not something you have really shared on your social media accounts. But as you see all the stares, you have to accept that this secret is about to be revealed. It has to be by you before media and fans can speculate. _So, that’s just great._

This is just a lot to accept. Everything is changing, and while you are more than grateful for it, changes in general are difficult for you to handle. Especially when it results in being out of your comfort zone.

It feels like you’re not getting a chance to regain your footing, or catch your breath.

People are still staring, and while you can rationalize it is out of curiosity over Riddick, it still feels like the looks are hostile. That’s ridiculous, you are more than aware of how irrational you are being, but even self-awareness is not helping. This is the absolute worse mental state to be in before getting on a plane. Especially considering the slight bit of claustrophobia you will feel starting almost exactly sixty minutes after departure.

Riddick senses your growing distress and leans heavily against your leg so you have to focus a little to hold his weight.

Emily and Matt will be flying out a little later, so it’s just you and Bonwha on this flight. Unfortunately, Bonwha is too busy working in his role as manager while he handles all the business aspect of having a band. Last you asked, he was arranging demos from the handful of original songs that have been tossed around recently when fantasizing about releasing an actual studio album.

You do not want to burden him – even though you remember him reassuring you _last_ time that you never are – so turning to him for distraction is not an option.

With one hand resting on the shoulders of your dog, you pull out your phone and open the text messages.

< Hey. You busy?

As soon as you hit send, you regret it. Just because you felt close to them when you all were writing the song doesn’t mean any of them feel the same. Besides, it’s stupid to turn to them to help your mental health. Nevermind the fact their music has saved your life more than once.

Still, it isn’t like you can tell them that. This is a huge mistake. _Idiot! Why the fuck would you burden any of_ them _?!_

At least you do not _have_ to tell them why you are reaching out. Right?

> Nope! What’s up?

> Aren’t you flying back today??

Relief floods you, which is just silly. Riddick sees you glance down at him, his stubby tail begins to wiggle, tall ears folding back a little. A pleased sigh escapes him as he rests his chin on your knee.

< Yep. At the airport now.

Impulsively, you snap a selfie of you and Riddick, still careful to keep his vest out of view. Yes, you will have to go public with this soon, but not yet.

Not yet.

Instead of a text, Ashton responds with a selfie of his own, his radiant smile flashing those dimples at you. That grin is contagious, pulling a soft smile out of you. It looks like wherever he is it’s somewhere he feels comfortable.

Biting your lip, you try to think of something to distract you. Why can you never think of topics to talk about when you need to? Maybe that part of your brain is directly connected to the anxiety and… other stuff. Still, it is the opposite of helpful when you need someone to distract you somehow.

Chewing on your lip-ring, you sigh.

< If it isn’t too much trouble, will you uh… talk to me?

< I really don’t like long flights -///-

<If not, it’s fine. Sorry.

Yes, maybe you should have given him a chance to respond before spamming him like that. In your defense, you regret reaching out. You should have just tried to handle it on your own. That is guaranteed to end in an anxiety attack, but at least you wouldn’t look so fucking pathetic in front of Ashton.

Actually, this is for the best. Hopefully, you won’t shock them too much when you have to let the world know about your secret health issues. You are honestly terrified you will lose fans, or any shot at being famous.

> [Name]

Your heart stutters a little.

> It’s fine. I’d love to distract you

Alright, maybe he is coming on a little strong. Still, Ashton can’t help the stupid grin on his face over the fact you reached out to _him_. He might not have a ton of personal experience with anxiety, but he still knows how bad it sucks.

Only the fact it is too cheesy keeps him from letting you know he feels honored that you turned to him.

The ping of his phone grabs his attention back. Instead of just thanking him, you rewarded him with another selfie. This time it’s just you, smiling shyly but with obvious relief in your eyes. The lighting is off so he can’t tell if your eyes really are as pink as they look, like you’ve been struggling not to cry. It wrenches something in him. More than anything, he wishes he was there at O’Hare with you, so he could give you a hug.

> I can’t think of anything to say. Sorry! .///.

Even without seeing you, he can imagine how you are saying that: curled up in the seat, almost cringing away; unintentionally being unfairly adorable as you sneak a peek at the reaction through your long eyelashes –

Yeah, Ashton has it bad for you.

< What’s your favorite colour?

This is totally cheating, He’s almost pumping you for information about yourself when he is supposed to be helping you not freak out about the long fight. Still, you are more than welcome to ask him questions.

< Let’s play 20 Questions: the Extended Edition

It’s almost like you know what it does to him, because you grace him with another selfie. However, in this one you are clearly laughing, face lit up with joy. You have managed to capture a real smile and it makes his whole body feel warm.

> Cute. It’s indigo.

> I’ll ask you questions if I think of a good one

His cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling so much. Now he needs more questions. There is probably a line he shouldn’t cross, but he has no idea where it is. It has been unspoken that you know they know you are a fan. Luke did share that you admitted to attending two of their concerts.

< What is your favourite of our songs?

He probably shouldn’t have asked you that. He should apologize and ask something else.

> Easier. Before that it was She Looks So Perfect

> Do you have a girlfriend? That you’re single is the predominant theory in fan circles XD

The fact his face feels hot now is stupid. You asked the question as a joke. Probably as revenge for his question. He cannot even really feel pouty about it though, because at least you are teasing him back. Hopefully being playful means you are starting to feel better.

< What’s your dog’s name?

< And, no. I am 100% single

Is that laying it on too thick? Probably, but he cannot really seem to make himself care. The thought you might believe otherwise is alarming to him.

> Riddick. After the Vin Diesel character

> Good to know

 _Good to know? Seriously?!_ You are acting like such a moron, but you feel so flustered still. This is ridiculous. He probably only got so specific because you just _had_ to ask it. It has nothing to do with him having feelings back for you. The very idea is preposterous. There is no way Ashton will ever feel even remotely the same. Your best chance is to make sure you aren’t annoying or creepy, and maybe at least be good friends.

> Hm. Are you single?

Your face feels so hot now. Why is he even asking that? It could not have seemed like you have a lot of time for secret rendezvous. You hardly even left Luke’s house.

< Yup.

You want to ask why he asked, but you can’t. By this point, Riddick has laid down so he can rest his muzzle on your foot.

> What is your favorite number?

A soft snort escapes you, but you send the answer back, asking for his own.

For the rest of time, up until you are forced to switch to airplane mode, you and Ashton play an odd game of questions. Sometimes an answer you give leads to a short discussion focused on the specific topic. You don’t mind the detours, as it keeps you focused on the conversation and not how freaked out you feel about everything else that has been going on.

During the actual flight, you listen to your flying playlist that helps you stay calm. With that and Riddick, you feel immensely better. You are glad you did not bother Bonwha, because he curls up in his seat and falls asleep before the plane even starts to taxi down the runway. A part of you feels guilty for not helping more with the business aspect, but any time you tried, he would shoo you away. He’d say he likes the challenge.

You are relieved for the layover if only because you can get the fuck off the plane. This time you have messages from Ashton to look forward to. You find a spot for Riddick to do his business and while waiting you turn off airplane mode.

> Did you land yet?

> Hope you’re doin ok

You smile stupidly. It’s always nice to know you have someone worrying about you. The fact it is Ashton just makes it ten times better. There are butterflies in your stomach. If Bonwha was awake to see it, he would tease you about this reaction forever.

< In Denver. Got a bit of time until next flight.

< I’m doing better. Just getting off the plane helps. Walking Riddick is even better.

It’s a good thing Ashton has no idea that _Why Won’t You Love Me_ just started, still listening to your flight playlist. For some stupid reason, hearing the song makes your face heat up, chest tightening. _[Name], chill, he’s not even in this state!_

Like it might distract him from how lame you are, you take a quick picture of yourself on the way to the next gate. You have to be careful about not showing the vest which is a bit of a challenge. Still, at least the smile you have is genuine, although not as bright as before the flight. Hopefully, it is enough to convince him into believing you’re doing better. As far as he knows, your anxiety is strictly related to flying. There is no reason whatsoever to let on otherwise.

Instead of a text, you receive a photo of Ashton. He’s got a wide grin on his face, dimples visible, with a thumbs-up.

You have to actually take a deep breath to contain the squeal you want to release over how cute he is. And he still looks sexy, too, with his polka-dot shirt partially unbuttoned to show his chest.

Maybe you should bring him a souvenir, or something? Regardless of the fact that they have already been to all these major cities you keep going to. If you see something with polka-dots, you will have to get it for him.

The small talk continues until about half an hour before boarding is supposed to start. It’s at that point the dread begins to trickle into your stomach, making you feel extremely nauseous. Restlessness eats at you, leg bouncing quickly as you try not to squirm and fidget too much. Picking up on your growing unease, Riddick nuzzles at your hand, licking your finger to try and ground you. It helps a little.

As if he somehow just senses you might need to be distracted again, Ashton subtly changes the topic.

> What’s the strangest airport outfit you’ve seen so far today?

It is such a random question, you cannot help giggling. Riddick’s little stump wiggles a bit at the sound.

< Some girl getting on a plane for Reno dressed like she’s on the way to a bar. The kind where ladies dance in very little clothing

< Judging by the heel heights, she probably offers happy endings

Not that anything is wrong with working at a strip club, or otherwise in the sex industry. Mostly it is just a testament to how tame everyone is dressed. It’s actually rather boring. Those stilts disguised as shoes are easily the weirdest accessory you’ve seen today.

You’re rewarded with a photo of him smiling, that silly, slightly unfocused one that is at the tail end of laughter. Your heart pounds for absolutely not good reason. It’s just a selfie.

 _That he took for_ me _._ You shake the thought away.

> What’s something you hope fans don’t find out? Got any skeletons in your closet, [Nickname]?

For a moment, you can focus on the nickname. Does this mean he considers you an even closer friend? Or is he actually flirting…? Yeah, no, it isn’t that one. Wow, you can be really dumb sometimes, it’s almost laughable.

But then you are actually reading the whole question— Your vision narrows so it feels like you are peering through a tunnel, just as a crashing roar fills your ears. In a detached way, you can feel Riddick as he starts to paw at your leg, nails digging in just enough to provide pressure without actually scratching you yet. He keeps pressing his cold nose against your wrist, all in an attempt to ground you. If this doesn’t work, he is supposed to try and find Bonwha.

If that happens, everyone will know something is wrong with you.

The chime of your phone along with Riddick attempting to pull you off the seat finally jams you back into your body. It’s a really odd sensation as everything comes back into focus. Your whole body is shaking a little. Weakly, you reach up to pat on your dog’s back and side.

“Good boy,” you mumble.

That is enough for him. Tail wagging so hard his whole rear end is wiggling, he dances about in excitement. He did his job, he is a good boy!

Reaching into your pocket, you pull out the emergency treat you always keep on you. There is no predicting anxiety attacks for you.

Forcing yourself to take a few deep breaths, you pull out your as-needed anxiety medication, swallowing it down with pink lemonade.

At last, you look at your phone again.

> [Name]? You okay? You don’t have to answer that! Sorry -.-

Smiling weakly, you sigh. It isn’t that big of a secret. Everyone who knows you personally is aware of at least the general issues. It isn’t like he is asking for explicit details. This is good practice for when you have to tell fans.

< It’s fine, Ash

< I don’t want the fans to find out that

Both to stall as well as build anticipation, you pull Riddick up so he is basically resting across your lap. You rest your head against his neck and take a selfie so that his work-vest is fully visible.

The caption says: _I have C-PTSD .///._

Ashton has no idea what to say. When you hadn’t responded right away, he got a bad feeling in his chest like he said the wrong thing. So he had reminded you that part of the “rules” earlier said you do not _have_ to answer. If refused, then whoever refuses has to think up a new question.

But then you respond, or at least seem to although it cuts off weird. He has time to debate asking if that is a typo, before the picture comes through.

It takes a minute for him to read the vest. The image is close enough he doesn’t need to zoom in or anything. Then he sees the caption. Well, shit, what is he supposed to say to that? Can he ask for more details? To be fair, who _wouldn’t_ be curious as hell about it?

No wonder you don’t want fans to know. You probably wish you could keep _anyone_ from knowing. He feels bad. Thinking about this probably undid all the progress you’ve made to stay calm. Ugh, he is such an idiot.

< Ah, yeah, that’s a bit of a doozy. I’m sorry to hear it. Uh, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.

That couldn’t be any cheesier. Shit. He really cannot do anything right.

> Thanks <3 Seriously

> I know I need to come out with it soon before rumors start. I’m just scared.

Warmth floods him as he realizes you trust him enough to open up about this. The fear you have makes sense. There is always the chance of fans reacting poorly, although in this case Ashton does not think that will happen. Instead, he thinks this will only make you more relatable so they will flock to you.

< Don’t be, babe. I think you will be surprised by the positive responses

< There is bound to be someone who can relate who will find even more comfort in your music

< Maybe your music will help save someone from giving up

Alright, so he feels a bit stronger about this than he expected. However, it is true. Music has been saving people since it was invented. It is all the more likely that your work touched someone at just the right time.

It’s a heady feeling that is for sure. However, Ashton considers it a gift to help others, to make them feel happy, content, and calm.

>Thanks. I hadn’t considered that before

< No worries. Glad I can help

The last flight isn’t so daunting after this.

* * *

The next few days are so busy, you do not have time to worry about your mental health, let alone revealing it to anyone else. You also manage to avoid immediate contact with Ashton, still too embarrassed to face him. The fact he knows your secret is enough. It is bad on its own, really. You wish he did not know how broken your brain is, though.

Still, when news about the music video arrives, you are excited to see 5SOS again. It all feels surreal.

Not thinking there would be an issue, you do not bring Riddick along. It isn’t likely the director would be very pleased with the dog’s presence.

That is your second mistake.

The first one is not reading the script too closely. Although even if you had, you couldn’t predict the reaction you have. The last time you were in a theme park is when you were four.

At least the first half of the shoot goes alright. The park is temporarily shut down to the public. It’s actually a blast, riding on rides and singing. You even end up going on the rollercoaster next to Luke which only makes the butterflies worse. Still, it’s too much fun, enough so Calum and Emily both sabotage a take each so it has to be shot again. Any irritation on the director’s face is worth it.

There is a short break that is probably supposed to be for lunch, but you are not that hungry. Besides, you are fully aware that the park will open after this break. You want to take advantage of the lack of lines and ride as many rollercoasters as possible. Fortunately, you manage to convince Calum, Ashton, and Bonwha into joining you.

Somehow, you manage to end up in the seat next to Ashton on every ride.

He does not bring up the conversation from when you were flying back. It is blatantly obvious you are not interested in acknowledging it. In fact, he is not blind to the way you have almost avoided him since you got back. While it stings, he can understand why.

Fortunately, over the course of the hour-long break, you relax around him again. You still don’t bring it up though. Maybe it is the fact he knows better now that he can tell you are putting effort into seeming carefree. Or, he might just have observed you closely for too long. It’s a little ridiculous how bad he has it for you, and you don’t even notice.

It is easier to not take it personally now.

Still, he monitors you as inconspicuously as possible, although he catches both Bonwha and Calum watching him with obvious amusement. He glares at them when you look away for a moment.

After the break, the park is opened up; people have to be willing to have themselves recorded, and to have their images used. There is also the offer to censor the faces of those unwilling to be identifiable. As the crowds grow, he notices that you get quieter. The look Bonwha gives you feels like a red flag. It makes him feel wary.

You manage to put on enough of an act to fool the director, but when the camera isn’t on, you are somber, withdrawn. At one point he sees you pacing a little like a caged animal.

It’s not until the carousel that things fall apart.

With a lot of people now milling around, going on rides nearby, the screams and cliché carnival music pumping through the ride’s speakers are just too much for you. Later, you won’t be able to pinpoint the last straw, but it hardly matters.

Ashton is the one who sees you collapse, sinking onto the floor of the merry-go-round. You curl up in as small a ball as you physically can. He is moving towards you before anyone else recognizes that something is up. It sounds like Bonwha swears in Korean, before he hops off the moving ride despite the protests of the director and ride attendant.

“[Name]?” Ashton kneels in front of you. He had tried to read up on what to do to help, but his mind is blank. Is it okay to touch you…?

When you don’t respond, he sighs heavily. Carefully so he will not actually frighten you, he reaches forward to lightly grasp your shoulders. When you _still_ don’t react, he gives you a little squeeze.

“[Nickname]?” He feels unqualified to deal with this. Fuck!

Suddenly, Bonwha is at your side, he begins to tell you where you are and what you have been doing. Even as he does so, he places headphones over your ears, before taking your phone from you so he can play the correct playlist that has so far fixed everything.

Ashton wonders if he should be taking notes right now, for the future. Just in case.

Or something.

Memories are flashing through your mind, triggered by the ambient sounds, and anything else that reminds you of the last time you were in an amusement park. At that point, you were a lot smaller, barely tall enough to ride the family rides on your own.

The memories aren’t good ones.

Vaguely, you can hear your name being called. However, it’s so muted that you can’t focus on it; like someone is speaking underwater from the other side of a large pool.

The music seeps through more, bringing a very concerned Bonwha slowly into focus. Over his shoulder is Ashton.

Heat floods your face. _Shitfuck. Did he see?_ If he saw your mental breakdown, then you might just jump off the tallest rollercoaster. _Way to go, self._

“[Name]?” You see Bonwha mouth your name.

The concern on his face makes you feel guilty.

The panic starts rising again, your eyes dart around like a frightened animal searching for an escape even though you are not cornered or anything.

However, before Bonwha and Ashton – _Shitfuck!_ – can completely fade out of focus again, you bolt.

Racing off the merry-go-round, you land hard on one knee. You are up and running again before anyone can say anything, let alone move to help you. You leap over the small fence that keeps people from rushing on and skipping the line, with more agility than you think you’ve ever had in your life.

As you run away, you hardly notice all the people, absently dodging around any that get in your way.

You don’t actually know where you are going. The music playing cuts out once you are out of Bluetooth range, Bonwha still having your phone.

Once he realizes he still has it, he starts swearing in Korean again. Ashton glances at him, before looking at the crowd like he will be able to see you through it.

On two nearby mounts, a couple girls are staring at the members of the band and giggling. Calum offers them a smile, while Luke and Bonwha hop off the ride to speak with the director. Matt and Emily come around from the other side of the carousel where they were placed, Michael following with his focus on his phone.

Ashton assumes he is talking to Crystal.

“What happened?” Emily asks quietly, so none of the patrons can overhear. Her eyes are on the giggly pair, one of which has her phone out.

Maybe it’s possible to confiscate their fan footage?

Ashton shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know. She was getting all quiet again since the park opened. Then she can like… collapsed. It looked like Bonwha had gotten her out of it, but then she panicked and bolted.

Matt and Emily share knowing looks while the Australian remains baffled.

At his questioning look, Emily hesitates. It actually makes him want to smile at the display of loyalty.

Dropping his voice to a whisper, he leans close, “Would Riddick have helped?”

At the surprised expression, he actually does grin a little with a shrug.

Emily considers him a moment, before sighing. “Yes, he would have.”

So, like he assumed, this is somehow related to the C-PTSD that you told him about. As curious as he is, Ashton knows the questions are something _you_ will have to answer.

Bonwha trots back over, looking exhausted and frustrated. He should have known better than to bring you back with your crush right there. The humiliation alone is enough to trigger you again. He hadn’t even tried relocating you so you would feel more secure.

“She left her phone,” he says glumly. “We’re on a break until we can find her.”

Ashton glances of in the direction you ran, and wonders what is in that direction that could attract you.

When everyone splits up, he goes to find a map of the park. From there, he tries to figure out the most likely place you would go. He remembers some of the stuff he read online when he researched C-PTSD. There are quite a few helpful sites for those who know someone who suffers from the condition.

If his heart stutters a little when he reads “loved ones” he chooses to ignore it.

He ends up at Tatsu, one of the rollercoasters the two of you rode earlier instead of eating lunch. The speed and thrill might be enough to ground you and help you out of the mental state you are in. While any of the coasters will do for that, this is the one you seemed the most excited after.

So it’s not a surprise to see you already pretty far up the line. Relieved, Ashton pulls out his phone and texts Bonwha that he found you.

> Is she okay?

< She’s in line to ride Tatsu

> -_- Okay. Try to get her to come back soon

With a little sigh, he makes himself comfortable to wait for you to get off the ride. In the meantime, he pulls out his hone to message the others in case Bonwha hasn’t.

Calum responds with:

> That’s great, mate! You might have to do damage control when you get back.

Ashton scowls.

< What? Why?

Surely the director can understand and be patient. If not, the damage control might get a little aggressive.

> A couple girls got it on video. One of them REALLY likes you apparently

> Her friend is trying to convince her to give up. When did you and [Name] hook up and why did I find this out from fans?!

Ashton’s whole body feels hot, chest tight.

< We haven’t! [Name] isn’t even interested in me

It hurts to admit that, but he knows it is reality.

> Okay, mate. Whatever you say

That makes him frown in confusion, but he doesn’t respond. If he has to sign a few things and take pictures to prevent that video from ending up on Instagram or YouTube, he will.

You are not expecting to find Ashton waiting for you on a bench near where the rides let you out after.

The ride itself did help. You still feel on edge, but you are fairly sure you can make it back to your bag where you can do something about the crushing anxiety. That is your plan when you get off, although it is slightly derailed by the drummer’s presence.

“Um…” You feel awkward, and embarrassed. But it’s more resigned than like you will fly into another episode. Hopefully. “Sorry about the shoot, and… you having to come find me.”

Ashton blinks up at you, having almost dozed off in the sun. It’s promising that you are talking and didn’t just leave him there and escape.

“No worries, babe,” he says with what he hopes is an encouraging smile.

The way your cheeks turn pink at the petname certainly cheers him up.

Since he makes no move to get up, you settle next to him with a little sigh. You can tell he is curious; you are sure everyone is. Hopefully Bonwha has explained at least the generalities so no one is too angry. Regardless of how much he shares, the looks of pity that will come your way make your insides tie into knots.

It is a good thing you skipped lunch, otherwise you would have just thrown it up by now.

Ashton watches as your hand comes up to fidget with the lip-ring you have. You twist it and gently tug on it, clearly trying to decide something. He hopes you remember that he said he is here if you ever need to talk about it. Perhaps you aren’t ready to open up to him that much.

It takes work not to feel rejected.

“When I was four,” you start, voice low, “my…. mother… brought me to the Six Flags by Chicago. It was supposed to be a secret that she pulled me from preschool to go. I was so excited.”

It hurts to remember this. The tugging on your lip gets a little more forceful. Not that it helps with the tightness growing in your chest, or the flutters of panic starting in your stomach. You try to ignore it, just like you avoid looking at Ashton.

You are not brave enough to see his reaction.

“I was just tall enough to go on the carousel by myself, and since she had no interest in going on the rides with me—” Your smile turns wry as if you just remembered a joke. “—I got to go by myself. It was a lot of fun.”

It feels like your throat is closing, so you swallow hard to try and push that away. You refuse to cry now. You have wasted too many tears on this already.

“I begged to go again. She got angry, but since we were in public, she couldn’t punish me properly."

Ashton frowns, both at your words and the way your voice has become almost deadened. However, you still aren’t looking at him, and he isn’t about to distract you when you are willingly reliving it for him. No matter how much he wants to pull you into his arms and hold you.

“Dunno if I just didn’t know them yet, but I ignored the red flags. I remember sitting on a white horse on the top deck, looking out so I could see her every time I went around.”

Your voice is tight around the lump in your throat. The burning in your eyes makes you huff in frustration. Crying is a weakness that your mother never let you get away with.

How do you explain the expression on your mother’s face that last time? The way her eyes looked empty, the way the quirk of her lips sent chills down your spine.

“On one round, I saw her, caught her eyes. The look on her face…” You swallow hard to prevent your voice from breaking, eyelashes fluttering as you fight the urge to look at Ashton. “It scared me.”

The old, familiar dread you felt that day starts to bubble up again. You close your eyes tight to try and will it away. _She isn’t here, and you aren’t a helpless child anymore._

Ashton reaches out to touch your shoulder, but stop at the last second. He needs to wait to offer you comfort for when you are ready. It is just a lot harder than he expected to see you hurting this much; his heart breaks for the child you were.

A tear slips free when you open your eyes again, but you hastily wipe it away. You are rolling your eyes even as you sniffle softly.

“She wasn’t there anymore when I came around again. The attendant wouldn’t let me get off, so I… remember frantically trying to see her. Just hoping she relocated – to get shade or – or something.” You take a deep breath. “She was gone. She left me at Six Flags.”

A soft noise escapes Ashton before he can stop it. You don’t let it distract you.

“Dunno how they got ahold of her, but my grandma came to get me. I remember her being _so angry_ … But she told me not to worry my dad about this – that her daughter made a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again.” That last bit is said with obvious derision.

Now, you turn to Ashton, a lopsided smile on your face. It fades immediately when you see the expression on his – are his eyes red? – and the way his hands are in such tight fists the knuckles are white. You’re a little baffled by this reaction.

Wordlessly, Ashton relaxes his hands and holds out his arms, clearly welcoming you to move in for a hug.

_Wow, okay, calm down heart, I didn’t turn into a hummingbird. Seriously, if you keep doing that, you’re going to explode and I’ll die._

Only because he is offering – and you really fucking want to – do you give in. Twisting, you push yourself up on one thigh so you can lean into the hug.

Ashton has to struggle with getting distracted by how your body feels practically laying on him, how well it fits against his, the way you – Okay, time to focus. He’s supposed to be comforting _you_.

Little does he know that you are currently just as distracted. He smells nice, his body heat chases away any chill lingering from recounting the first time your mother dumped you off somewhere. Being in his arms is probably the safest you have ever felt. You feel grounded, protected.

If you can just stay here long enough, you’ll finally be able to breathe again.

He gives you a small squeeze, before sighing softly at the exact same time as you do. Both of you start to blush, but cannot see each other’s face like this. You might be a little guilty of pressing your face into his chest a bit more.

The soft, fond smile that reveals his dimples is accompanied by his gently combing his fingers through your hair. When your breath hitches, he freezes for a moment until you lean your head against his hand like a cat. With a rumbling chuckle, he resumes playing with your hair.

“I’m sorry y’had to go through that,” he says softly, giving you a gentle squeeze when he feels you tense up. “Thanks for opening up about it. I’m sure it isn’t easy to talk about.”

“Yeah… Thank you for listening.” Your voice is muffled by his shirt and you are completely fine with that.

He only hums softly in acknowledgement, thinking your gratitude is misplaced. Heart is more than happy to listen to you, otherwise he wouldn’t have offered.

As reluctant as he is to let go of you, he clears his throat. “We should probably head back before they send anyone after us.”

With a soft whine, you pull away. Is it possible Ashton will just hug you whenever you start to get overwhelmed? Maybe if he is around, but it isn’t like you are going to see him every day once this music video is done. That makes you a little sad. Besides, he’ll be gone on tour in a few months, so he can’t be there for hugs at that point either.

It is a really stupid idea to depend on him like that for your mental health.

Getting up, you stretch a little, back arching with a couple pops. You offer a hand to help him up, and then the two of you head back.

It’s a lot farther than it felt when you were running away, which makes you feel bad about making him walk this whole way to find you.

With a deep breath, you wander up to where Luke and Bonwha are speaking with the director. It takes a little bit of groveling and apologizing, but the director forgives the interruption. A slight change of venue has been decided since it’s obvious by the way you react the minute the carousel is turned on that _you_ at least cannot be filmed on it anymore.

At one point, you catch Ashton talking to the two girls who had been nearby when you freaked out. In hindsight, you are pretty sure one of them had their phone out. So it’s probably going to end up on YouTube soon.

 _Great_ …

The rest of filming goes without a hitch, fortunately. However, when everyone else makes plans to go out and celebrate, you bow out of it with apologies. No one really says anything, or teases you about it, since they are all more than aware of how exhausted you must be.

You decide not to tell them there is just something important you have to do _tonight._

* * *

_The camera turns on as you are backing away. Instead of the room you were in for the_ Easier _video, you are sitting on the floor of the room you have claimed in the rental house here in Los Angeles._

_Your hair is up in a clip, although it still drips a little from the recent shower._

_You look tired, worrying at your lip-ring._

_Clearing your throat, your gaze finally focuses on the camera as you flick the metal through your lip with your tongue._

_“Hey, guys,” you start with a small wave. Why do you have to be so damn weird? “So, with the new changes going on, it’s come to my attention that I haven’t been entirely open and honest with you all.”_

_You rub wearily at your face. This is so awkward. Maybe you should just do it later?_ No, get it over with. No procrastinating anymore _._

_The memory of those girls talking to Ashton pushes you._

_“This is a lot harder than it should be… Um, okay, fuck it – Riddick, c’mere, bud!"_

_You hear his collar jingle downstairs from his tags rattling together. While you wait for him to get upstairs, you pull out a long, black vape pen and take a hit. Getting one that uses dry herb is the best idea you have ever had._ I need to remember to thank Calum.

_Once your dog appears, you pull him into frame so his vest is fully visible._

_“I suffer from PTSD – C-PTSD to be specific, I’ll get into that in a bit – and Riddick is my service dog. He’s saved my life.”_

_You bury your face in his neck for a moment, before peeking back at the camera._

_“I’m not going to go into detail, but I know that soon there will be a video out – if it’s not already – that shows me in the midst of an episode… So I just want to do a little awareness for mental health.”_

_The next ten minutes you spend giving an introduction to C-PTSD and what it means in your life. It’s harder than you thought, possibly the hardest thing you have ever done. Even more so than writing_ Nostalgia _with 5SOS._

_Still, it also feels like a weight is off your shoulders now. You are no longer keeping this hidden from fans. Hopefully, Ashton is right about the reception being good._

_Finally, at the end, while wiping tears away and visibly holding others back, you give the camera a shy, shaky smile._

_“Thank you guys so much for supporting us so far. I hope none of you feels disappointed by this… To those of you who can related, just know that I read all these comments. It’s okay not to rock the boat until it’s safe to get out. I see you, I hear you. You’re not alone. And, in case you haven’t heard it today, I love you. You are worthy of love.”_

_With a blustery sigh, air rushes out of you in a relieved puff now that it is done_

_Getting up, you wander over to the camera. The last thing before the video ends is your hands noticeably shaking as you reach out to turn it off._

**Author's Note:**

>  _Madarch_ is Welsh for _mushroom_.  
>  _Grib_ is Russian for _mushroom_.
> 
> The horror/comedy movie Emily approved was _Hot Fuzz_ with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.
> 
> The movie Reader had looked for that isn't that popular/well-known is _Knights of Badassdom_ (and I highly recommend seeing it, because it's hilarious).


End file.
